Ramble Ramble

Ok, yeah, it’s Tuesday, not Sunday. I’m a little behind the times. But luckily this group is pretty relaxed in the “schedule”, so I’m going for it anyway.

This week, we weren’t given a topic–it was a free for all to write about whatever our little hearts desired. Which is the perfect time to talk about something that’s been bugging me for, oh, ever. And that’s the idea of “good” and “bad” parenting styles. I’m probably going to meander quite a bit with this post since my feelings are all over the place, but hopefully you’ll all come along for the ride.

In some of the ControverSunday posts and comments, we’ve thrown around the idea of being on the “good” side of parenting choices, or the “bad” side. Generally, there’s an implication or explicit declaration that there are certain things that put you in the good column: breastfeeding (particularly extended), cloth diapering, delayed/no-vaxxing, babyfood making, co-sleeping, babywearing, and not-circumcising are the biggies. In the bad column we have: formula feeding, crib sleeping, vaccinating, circumcising, disposable diapering, and tv watching.To name a few.

It’s nagged at me, since the first time I saw it come up–this idea of “sides” based on choices we make for our children & families. I couldn’t put my finger on it for a while, but I think what I’ve come to is threefold:

1. If you’ve ever seen truly BAD parenting, you realize that none of the things in the bad column deserve the name. They are choices, yes, but they aren’t BAD.

The world is full of crappy parents. It’s a sad fact that you have to prove yourself more worthy of adopting a stray animal than procreating, and some people, frankly, aren’t cut out to be parents. But you know what? There are crappy parents who do all the stuff in the good column–that doesn’t make them good parents. That doesn’t make them more righteous or more caring. It makes them crappy parents who do some things that have been labeled as good. The appearance to the outside world would be of a “good” parent if someone just looked at those categories. Oh, they breastfeed and co-sleep and don’t circumcise and so obviously love and care for their child beyond reason. Never mind that they may still be crappy parents once you remove the outward show.

2. We seem to apply these labels to ourselves more than to others, adding one more layer to the parenting guilt that we all carry.

Almost all the discussions where this has come up, it has been someone labeling their own choices. “I’m normally not on the good side”, “I find it odd to be on the right side”. The more I think about this, the more I think it’s a function of our own guilt of making the “wrong” decision. I fight it all the time–are we doing right by the kid? Are we going to harm him in his development, or in some aspect of his later life by the choices we’re making now? Which research to believe? How bad of a parent am I that I’m taking the “easy” way, rather than the “right” way? But I think we do ourselves a real disservice here. Parenting is hard enough, and this kind of thinking just makes it even harder for ourselves.  I think that we could apply the sentiment that appeared in last week’s discussion here: “you’re not a parent to MY kid”. Honestly, some of our kids make these choices for us–and until we embrace our choices as being right for our kids, our families, we just add more stress and guilt to ourselves.

And finally, the one that could really get me in trouble:

3. I’ve noticed that the things in the “good” column tie mommy home wherever possible

If you really stop and look at what things have been graced with the “good” moniker, you’ll notice that they almost all add a level of difficulty, if not impossibility, for working moms. With a few exceptions, they tether mommy and child together at a more aggressive level than those in the bad column. I can’t help but wonder if this is the new way of chastising women for daring to leave the home and hearth? The implied message? The best thing for a child can’t be accomplished without Mom at home with him. The closer you get to that tether, the closer you get to the cultural “good” job. No wonder we struggle with this stuff as mothers. Because we’re all modern women, whether we are SAHM or not, who have our own identities, and the image of “good” seems like it can only be accomplished by almost abandoning any outside endeavors until the child is well past those important first years.

I call bullshit on it all. Look, I’m not advocating that we all throw our kids in front of the tv, leave them be with whatever sugary substance they can get their hands on, and go frollicking about without thinking about the impact it may have for a kid. But the idea that these choices in particular are good or bad without looking at context, family dynamics, individual children and their needs is crap. We need to start looking beyond just “this is always right” “this is always wrong” about freaking bottles or diapers or where a kid sleeps. Because at the end of the day, it’s a choice. One choice in a LONG line of choices we have to make as parents. We’re going to make mistakes, I promise we all will, but let’s not have the labels dictate what is or isn’t a mistake.

(ETA: I realize that this could, in a way, be seen as knocking the entirety of the ControverSunday themes thus far. That’s not really how I mean it–I think there are interesting things within each of these topics to discuss, particularly when you start to look at research along with individual circumstances. My main point is that vilifying ourselves over these decisions just adds to our own parenting angst needlessly.)

Check out more of the participants of ControverSunday here–they’re all smarter than me, and their posts prove it!

Our Lady of Perpetual Bread Crumbs

amoment2think

The Mothering Life

Mommy-in-Chief

Accidents will happen.

Some things you might not want to hear when you’ve gone past your due date with no signs of labor coming soon:

1. This heat wave is supposed to last another 4 days!
2. Are you sure the baby’s ok? Because my sister went past her due date and (fill in horror story here).
3. Don’t you wish you hadn’t gone on maternity leave yet, now that you’re just wasting it sitting around waiting?
4. No really, are you sure the baby’s ok? Another lady I know went past her due date and (fill in different horror story here).
5. I bet you’re REALLY cranky *hahahaha*
6. My friend went 3 weeks past her due date!
7. You do know that late babies can be in danger, right? It’s called…failure to thrive or something like that? But I’m sure he’s FINE.
8. At least you get a few more days of sleep.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

Today, on my drive to work, I saw 3 license plate holders that really pissed me off. You ready?

“I’m not spoiled, my husband just loves me” Oh, good to know that you equate things with love, and that you apparently aren’t capable of buying things for yourself.

“My other car is a broomstick” Fantastic, one more woman who refers to herself as a “witch”

“Because I’m the princess, that’s why” Lovely, you’ve obviously never grown up.

Now here’s the thing–all three of these vehicles were driven by women, probably all in their 30’s & 40’s, and all dressed professionally (so I’m assuming on their way to work). And yet, all three of them had license plate holders that trivialized them as women.

Look, I have a sense of humor, I do (I promise!). But there’s something demeaning to me about all three of those being plastered on your car–and having those statements be what you give to the outside world. When we’re sitting in traffic, those license plate holders are the only thing that the world gets to know about you (besides what kind of car you drive)–and that’s what you choose?

I dunno, it’s very possible I’m overreacting what with the hormones and the uncomfortable and whatnot, but it’s just so infuriating to me when these are the sorts of statements that women use to announce themselves to the world.  Whether they’re funny or not, you obviously think there’s some element of truth to them if you’re willing to put it on your car to be read by strangers, your coworkers in the parking lot at work, your family, your friends–and isn’t that kind of sad?

How on earth is it Friday, and I haven’t posted anything since Monday?  I set out this week to get back in my blogging groove, to post regularly, to go back to commenting and visiting forums and such, and yet, here it is Friday and I’ve done….none of that. Sheesh, I’m such a bad blogger. But soon, I hope to get past my little writer’s block and be back in full force. Life just keeps getting in the way, ya know?

Speaking of life getting in the way, I’ve got some words for the world, so I’m thinking it’s time for some more letters from me to the universe.

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Dear Craigslist,

Once upon a time, you were a place to find a new apartment or other abode to live in. A haven for those who didn’t quite know where else to look. However, my current experience is that you are filled with scammers almost exclusively. I’ve now been the recipient of 4 attempted scams, and I’m losing all faith in you. Please, please, I just want a new place to live…

Completely fed up with Nigerian scams in all their forms,
Ginger

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Dear I-5,

Since N.C. took this new contract job, I’ve been forced to endure rush hour on your roads. Um, you kind of blow. Between the 30 minutes it takes me just to get on the freeway, to the parking lot that greets me once I arrive, I’m really missing my old commute along I-15. And that’s saying something,

Seriously people, just drive,
Ginger

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Dear AT&T and my Razr cell phone,

I seriously don’t know what is up with the freakiness that you two have conspired to present in my cell phone life. AT&T, do you have any idea how often I drop calls with you? How often I have zero bars? And then Razr, I know you think this little trick you’ve picked up lately is cool. That you find it endlessly entertaining to shut yourself off completely whenever I lose bars. But honestly, it’s the most annoying thing ever. In the middle of important phone calls, boom, the phone goes off. I’m doing a lot of apologizing these days to the people on the other end of the call, and I wish that weren’t the case.

Anxiously awaiting the end of my 2 year contract to move over to Verizon,
Ginger

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Dear TV,

Thank you so much for being my partner in relaxation. It’s so much easier to decompress after a hard day when you’ve got Michael Westen or Gregory House or Chuck Bartowski to keep you entertained.

Mmmmmmmm,
Ginger

Can I get a do-over on today? No really, I’d kind of like to send this one back and get a new one. Why, you ask? Oh, it’s nothing major (it rarely is on days like today), just the universe sending little mischievous elves to pee on me and kick me in the shins when I’m not looking. Such as:

1. Not being able to sleep. I don’t operate well on only 3 hours of sleep.
2. I had to spend my lunch hour in the post office.
3. We have something like 110 Christmas cards to work on tonight (big extended family makes for a killer Christmas card list). My hand is cramping in anticipation.
4. It’s raining here in San Diego. Which would be a fantastic change of pace except for the fact that I had to leave the house today. And since rain is such a rarity here, um yeah the driving to work thing was a little annoying. You would think it was an ice or snow storm, not rain.
5. Oh, and add to that, my raincoat and umbrella both FAILED during my lunch time errands so now? I’m sitting at work with wet hair, and the entire front of me soaking wet. Since the rain was coming in sideways.

There’s more, but I refuse to make this post just miserable whiny-pants all the way through. To offset my grouchy list above, how about a list of things that I’m totally excited about right now?

1. Christmas shopping = 95% done, with everything that needs to be shipped already on it’s way. Whew.
2. My photo for the Lines challenge over at Exposaroonie was voted for the most often, making me this week’s superstar! I’m totally humbled, since if you guys remember, I was having a little crisis of self-doubt with my photography around that time. It was a huge boost to see that other people thought I had a good shot. It’s inspired me to work even harder for the next one!
3. One more week of work before 9 glorious days off.
4. We had a book giveaway at work today, and I get to come home with 13 new books! Yay to new shiny books that I didn’t have to buy.
5. I’m having dinner and margaritas with a very dear friend today. We’ve both been crazy busy, and she will be moving away soon, so I’m glad to spend some time with her.
6. We bought a Christmas tree this weekend, and while it’s not decorated yet, I’m stoked about coming home to that glorious smell.

Alright, writing down my “good” list has put me in a little better mood. Before I go back to the ranty Ginger, I should probably just send you on your merry way to more lists…enjoy!