Ramble Ramble

Here are some sure fire ways to keep from blogging.

1. Take a business trip to a conference that has you in sessions from 8:30 – 5, 6, or 7.
2. Have such a crappy laptop that you can’t access the conference wireless network, and a company that doesn’t want you to spring for the in-room internet access.
3. Get sick the day you land in New York for said conference, and feel so crappy that sleeping after sessions or zoning out in front of the Olympics in your pajamas is all you are up for.
4. Stay sick after you get back from your business trip, prompting you to sleep late on your precious days off.
5. Have to go to LA for one of your husband’s art shows, which equates to a travel day.
6. Realize your house is filthy, and that maybe you should be a responsible grownup and clean. Said cleaning may or may not take a full day.
7. Realize the only food in the house is the applesauce you made for the baby, and a few cans of kidney beans, so a thorough trip to the grocery store is in order.
8. Be a lazy slug in the few free minutes you have left, intent on enjoying the baby you missed while travelling, the cat who was missing for 9 days (and is home now, yay!), and the husband who kept everything together while you were gone.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

Things have been rather morose around here lately, what with the lost cat, the sleep deprivation, the stress, etc. So I’m making today’s list a list of things that are making me happy.

1. I’m wearing my wedding rings again.I had to take them off pretty early in my pregnancy, and even though I lost all the “baby weight” I haven’t been able to wear them since. I think what happened was this: I gained about 30 pounds between getting married and having the kid. The rings still “fit” because I never took them off and so I had that ring indentation that ends up happening, but when I had to take them off during my pregnancy, I lost that indentation. Hence, losing the baby weight wasn’t going to do much of anything for my ability to wear the rings. SO–I finally broke down and had them resized. Do I want to lose that 30 pounds I put on post wedding/pre-baby? Of course. But I want to wear my wedding ring whether I do that or not. So now I’m happily sporting a 1/2 size larger.
2. I’ve read 5 books in the last week. Remember when I said I missed reading? Apparently, I’m back on the wagon! Granted, 8 hours of travelling helped my book count (I read two on the flight to New York), but still, it’s awesome.
3. Room service. Is spendy, but so awesome.
4. My iPhone, when it’s working. Such a total toy, but I love that thing. It was super handy while I was driving around to various shelters looking for Bailey (yay maps!), I love being able to carry my blog with me to start posts, I love that I can carry a million photos of the kid with me at any given time. Just all around yay! (iPhone users, got any apps you just can’t live without? I’m always a little overwhelmed with the app store, but love new apps.)
5. Our neighborhood. Our neighbors have been great since the cat went missing. We’ve gotten a few calls, not that they found him, but of condolences. We’ve had people stop us while we wandered the neighborhood calling for Bailey so they could get a description and our phone number in case they saw him. One little girl in the neighborhood even made me a card saying “I’m sorry your kitty left.” It’s been a sad reason to get to know our neighbors, but it makes me feel good that we live in a community like that.
6. A late addition to this post: Bailey has been spotted near the house! Oh my God, you guys, I had just about given up hope. Serious despair and wailing and rending of garments. It’s been raining the past few days in San Diego, and I thought for sure if he didn’t come home in the rain he was long gone. But N.C. got a call from one of our neighbors who had seen the cat, and now my husband has seen him with his own two eyes. He appears to be hiding out about 1/2 a block from the house (hanging out under a car to stay out of the rain). Now it’s just down to catching him before he spooks and runs further away. I’m still a little nervous since he’s not actually HOME, but at least I know he’s not dead via coyote, or drowned in the storm drain. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy this makes my heart. Happy, happy, happy!!

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

Today’s list is the top 20 email subjects in my inbox.

Sounds thrilling, I know, but wait! Before you run away, let me give you some context.

Our childcare situation is pretty cool–I work, and N.C. stays home with the baby. He’s the stay at home dad. Which is all yay for him and yay for the baby, but kind of boo for me. I may have mentioned before that it rips me up a little bit inside to think of how much I miss with the kid by being at work. So when I went back to work, N.C. started sending me emails throughout the day, complete with photos, to help me stay a little connected. At first I thought it would suck, that constant reminder that I’m not home (where I want to be), the constant barrage of proof that I’m not with him. But honestly, those little emails are the absolute highlight of my day. Some days, I get one or two. Some days I get five. They all have pictures or a sound recording. And they absolutely brighten my day. And I keep them all, so my inbox is filled to overflowing with emails of the kid’s day to day.

But, my husband, he can be a bit of an oddnik. So some of the titles of these emails…well, you tell me:

1. Good morning from Mr. Surly McSpitup
2. I’m pretty sure cannibalism is from YOUR side of the family
3. Tonight we dine on lamb!!
4. Part hungry, part koala
5. Happier pooped nekkid baby
6. Bellytiiiiiiiime!!
7. Disapproving baby sez…
8. Aeriel survellience photos for your pleasure
9. An interlude in fussy and squealy
10. Monkey McSillyhead
11. Glornaps McMonkeyKnobs
12. Burrowing baby can haz milk bottle
13. BabyTronic functional and online
14. I thought ADD came much later
15. Clearly this weird behavior comes from YOUR genes
16. This is what happens when Dad gets bored while feeding… (ed. these are the ones that always give me pause)
17. Late feeding on the starboard side
18. I dub thee…SwaddleTron!
19. That’s not a bottle, that’s a PHONEY!
20. The King in his throne and a soggy Dino head

This is just a sampling of the strange email subjects that fill up my inbox. If someone were to hack my email, I figure they’d be VERY confused for a while!

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

These days, I’m really stressed. (as I may have mentioned). I’m over-worked, and over-tired, and over-stressed. And when I get over-stressed, I tend to become stupidly emotional. Sometimes my stress manifests in anger, sometimes in sadness, and sometimes, like now, in overwhelming guilt.

Yup, I get stressed and GUILT is the primary emotion I feel. I’m my own brand of crazy.

Some of the guilt makes sense.

• I feel guilty about working so much, and not spending enough time with the kid.
• I feel guilty when I’m at work and have to take breaks to pump, since it’s “wasted” work time.
• I feel guilty when I’m at work and itching for the clock to hit 5, so that I can at least go home and work near my kid.
• I feel guilty about not feeling like I’m giving any of the areas of my life enough of me. I feel like everything is getting short changed–you know, jack of all trades, master of none type stuff.

But those things all kind of make sense. Those are things that you could see any logical person thinking when things get stressful and there aren’t enough hours in the day. Let me share with you where my feelings of guilt are CAH-RAZY person talk, obviously brought on by emotional stress:

• I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel like I should know better, so it just exacerbates the problem.
• The kid has been spitting up a lot lately. It’s relatively new in the last couple of weeks (well, the volume. It’s not like he’s never spit up before). Rather than think, like a normal person, “oh the kid is drooling a TON, and has recently figured out how to nurse way faster but hasn’t figured out how to feel full as fast, and therefore, extra contents of stomach must find exit point”, my first thoughts are: “what did I eat today? Obviously I ate something that disagrees with him. Oh, God, what if he has reflux or an allergy and I’m missing it because I’m so busy, and crap I’m the worst mother in the world because my kid is miserable and it’s all because of me. I should just eliminate everything from my diet except crackers and water, just in case.” It should be noted that the kid? Is never bothered by spitting up. He’s not upset, or fussy, or mad (except when we stop playing to wipe his face, how DARE you stop the playing?). I on the other hand, have been turning into a mess about it.
• I threw N.C. a surprise party this weekend for his 30th birthday (which, by his telling actually was both a surprise and a lot of fun). But a bunch of people ended up not able to make the party, turning the surprise party into more of a surprise…gathering? get-together? So I spent the night feeling guilty that I didn’t throw him a good enough party, or that I should have invited more people, or that I should have known that people wouldn’t make it and so planned something different where it wouldn’t be so obvious that I failed completely at my (self-imposed) task of throwing him a party. Somehow I managed to feel guilty about OTHER people not showing up to a party.
• I found myself feeling guilty the other day that we’re doing ok financially. I know a lot of people, family included, who aren’t so lucky right now. And rather than just feel blessed that we’re in a good place right now, I feel guilty about our relative good fortune. Like I should be ashamed of our lot in life.
• On Friday, the girl who reports to me left work early because she got sick. Because of that, something (that is not on any deadline at all) didn’t happen. And when someone asked me about it today, in a totally non-confrontational way, I felt guilty and defensive that it hadn’t gotten done. Like I should have done it on Friday when my coordinator went home and so felt guilty that I hadn’t.

These are just a few examples of my crazy. I mean, the guilt extends into all areas of my life. Cat not getting enough attention: guilt. Car needs to have the alignment done: guilt. Give the baby to N.C. so I can go to the bathroom: guilt. Tracked water into the office during torrential rain: guilt. I mean, over the stupidest crap. And I recognize it’s stupid crap, and I recognize that it’s related to my stress level. But that doesn’t really help–even though I know I’m being crazy, I can’t seem to stop.

I know it will get better when the stress lets up. I know it will, so it’s just one more reason to hang on until then. It’s a little like a roller-coaster–I’m all white knuckled fear, gripping the bar for dear life, and just waiting, waiting, waiting, until the ride is over and I can breathe again.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

Some questions for the future me (or any of you moms out there!):

1. How long does this hair falling out thing last? I’m kind of tired of hair everywhere.
2. Will the breast milk leakage stop before I wean the kid, or am I stuck with lovely wet spots until then?
3. Those night sweats–do those go away?
4. Does the c-section scar ever stop itching?
5. Will it ever stop being numb?
6. Do we ever get to wear regular underwear again and be comfortable?
7. The feet–do those ever return to their old size or should I just buy all new shoes already?
8. Am I ever able to wear my wedding ring again, or should I just get it resized already? I mean, I’ve already lost all the baby weight, but is this like my feet, which have have spread but aren’t swollen?
9. Are these food aversions now permanent?
10. Will my sense of smell stop being super sensitive at any point in the future? I’m sick of everything giving me headaches, including my once loved perfume.

If I could just get the answers to these questions future self, I think we’d be good. Oh, and if you could throw in the next Powerball numbers while you’re at it, just as a little bonus, that’d be awesome!

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!