Ramble Ramble

There is a moment, every morning, that lifts my spirits and sustains me through much of the rough day ahead. It’s a moment that is all mine, a connection between Jackson and me that is just mom and baby with no outside world to encroach on us.

In the morning when the kid wakes up, N.C. brings him to me so I can nurse. He’s often frantic for food–ravenous after sleep, he grunts and squeals and pulls at me until he is actually eating, when he continues grunting and slurping and gulping. I call him my little piggy pig, he sounds as if he’s never eaten before in his life. Finally, when the edge of hunger has been dulled, he moves to a more…reasonable form of eating. Slower. Calmer. Quieter. He slows down and enjoys his breakfast, and being awake, and being near us. He eats and looks around and plays with his feet and is a happy, calm baby.

Sometime during this time, this calm and enjoyable eating, my little boy will look at me, take a pause, lock eyes with mine, and smile. Directly at me. A little, sly smile, like “Hey, I know YOU.” It’s an instant, a few seconds in a long day of hours and minutes that wear me down. It’s over before it could be recorded or memorialized. He smiles, and then he’s back to the task at hand, eating and grabbing his feet and getting distracted by everything around him. It’s a moment that could be missed or glossed over, but one that I savor and enjoy.

I already love being his mom more than I could have ever imagined, and I always knew that I would. But I didn’t know that he would help get me through the rough stuff. I didn’t know that my soul would be healed by a few seconds of a baby’s smile. I didn’t know that in a mere moment, he could sustain me.

The beginning of the end from Ginger @ RambleRamble on Vimeo.

P.S. Ignore my scary laugh–who knew I sounded like that?

I’m completely done with today.Work is officially trying to kill me. I’m trying to launch 4 websites by the end of this month, completely overhauling one e-commerce shopping cart, updating our database, planning our big conference for February, running a contest, getting 3 catalogs created and oh yeah, all the day to day crap that apparently no one else can do. I’m toast, and thus, you get blogging by bullet point.

• I feel like I’m the only blogger on the internet who doesn’t consider herself a writer. I mean, I write (obviously) but I have no great drive to write the next great American novel. I’d rather read it. Honestly, I’m sure those of you who ARE writers come to this site and feel assaulted by the over (and incorrect) usage of hypens, em dashes, ellipses, and commas. I’m sorry–I tend to write the way the voice in my head sounds–but since I have no inclination to be a Writer with a capital W, that’s how I roll.
• There are a lot of blog posts about privacy, and boundaries and such rolling through my reader. It seems like this comes up en masse every few months. It always makes me think, but I’m pretty happy with where my own privacy boundaries have been drawn. Do I sometimes wish I could unload my deepest darkest thoughts for the cathartic release that might provide? Yes, of course. But I’m pretty much a peace keeper in real life, so I would never want to put something on the internet that might result in upset or angry confrontation in person. But DAMN would I like to sometimes.
• To that same end, password protected posts irritate the hell out of me. Honestly, I get the purpose, but every time I see one I always just think “Why even bother to press publish?” I get writing it–you should see my drafts folder full of things I want to get off my chest–but why publish if you’re not going to make it available to everyone? It also has that whiff of clique-ness, like hey this is only for my REAL internet friends, not the rest of you. It doesn’t bother me enough to stop reading someone, but it does bother me.
• I’m full on bombarded by mommy guilt this week (which has a lot to do with the work situation I know). I kind of feel like I’m not making any of the right decisions, or that I’m making them for selfish reasons, or that I’m not in-tune enough with the kid. All of which is crap, I know in my logical mind. But shit if it’s not killing me anyway.
• Why have we made some of the “simple” things in our kid’s lives–like eating and sleeping and playing–so damn complicated? Everything must be researched, and weighed, and what is so and so doing, and is this ok, and shit if I do this will he grow up smart, and ARGHHH I’m going to permanently damage my child if I do/don’t do X. I’m totally guilty of it myself, of course, I just don’t know WHY we make it so hard. I have to tell myself to shut off my brain after a certain point, and just do what feels right for my kid, in this instance, with the knowledge that I have and what I believe.  I just wish I didn’t have to tell myself that, I wish I just did it.

And to round out this blog post, YAY, a baby photo!

I promised a return to photos, yes? How about these for your viewing pleasure? Some of these are recent, and some are from an October trip to Balboa Park (hey, it’s not cheating if I’ve never posted them before right? Whatever, something is better than nothing). All of them could very probably be improved with some Photoshop skills that I don’t have–I’m lucky these are even resized correctly. Anyway, enjoy!

I adore this photo. It’s maybe one of my favorite photos ever. What’s not to like when you’ve got the two guys who hold your heart in one great shot?

This photo was taken at Balboa Park, I don’t remember exactly where. I love the serenity in this shot.

Purty flowers. My love of macro shots has not disappeared.

This is one of my favorite ornaments on our Christmas tree. I’m not sure why I like it so much, but it sure is sparkly.

And finally, I didn’t take this shot, but couldn’t resist posting it.

This year for Christmas, N.C. and I asked for one thing–a Flip. The kid is so cute, our families are so far away, it just seemed like a great thing to get. And so far, it’s been fun to pull it out for maximum cuteness moments–though the kid generally stops doing whatever was so cute and just STARES at the camera. We keep using it though, in the hopes that he’ll get used to it and stop being so aware of the darn thing.

Anyway, so I’m testing out all kinds of things with the video–editing, the best ways to share the things, etc., etc. And so that means, lucky you!, that you get to see a short little video of the little man. (It’s only like 15 seconds long, but like I said, I’m TESTING here people).

Jackson up close from Ginger Winters on Vimeo.

Let me know if you have technical difficulties will you? I’m learning!