Ramble Ramble

So this week has kind of kicked my ass folks. Actually, scratch that kind of. This week has ROYALLY kicked my ass. Why? Well beyond the missing kitty and the crazy work and the overwhelming stress? Two words.

Sleep. Deprivation.

(I know, bitching about being tired as a parent, how original. But there’s no brainpower for original with sleep deprivation.)

This week, we seem to be in the hellacious intersection of teething, sleep regression and a growth spurt for the kid, which is basically killing us all slowly. Poor little guy is miserable and N.C. and I are walking zombies.

We’ve been lucky with the sleep thing until now. Jackson was taking 2-3 decent naps every day, and mostly sleeping through the night (minus some whimpering if the pacifier fell out), since he was about 2 1/2 months old. Lucky, lucky, lucky we know. So lucky that I never wanted to talk about it, lest the cruel fates think we were tempting them to change things.

The past week though? The kid has barely been napping, and is up about 3 additional times a night. Our schedule used to be: down for bed around 8:30-9:30 pm, up at 6:30-7:00am to nurse. This week it’s been more like down at 8:30, up at midnight to nurse, up at 3:00 to nurse, up at 5:30 to nurse. And if he can get in one more nursing session before I leave for work, so much the better. And his night wake ups are not  little things– instead they are full on screaming bloody murder wake ups. Nursing has been the only thing that he seems to want (see: growth spurt), though he’s not nursing that well (see: teething), and even then that doesn’t answer the napping issue (see: sleep regression. Or so I’ve read).GAH!

If I weren’t so tired, I’d be really stressed about this because–joy of joys–I’m leaving on a 4 day business trip on Sunday, leaving the munchkin with his daddy and a freezer full of frozen milk. Until this week, it was pretty much exactly enough milk to match his daily schedule, with a little bit extra in case of a travel delay on my way home. He was eating 5 times a day (nursing and bottle), and I had that covered. THIS week though? He’s been eating anywhere from 6-10 times a day. There is definitely not enough milk in the freezer for that. Like I said, if I weren’t so tired, I’d probably be really freaked out about it. Right now, all I can muster is a lackluster “I guess we’ll have to hope that he doesn’t reject formula if he keeps up this pace”.

The only good thing I can see? The sleep deprivation makes me less anxious about leaving the kid for 4 days. I’m gonna miss him, but I’m too tired to worry it over and over in my mind (what mind?). And for once in my life, even though I sleep like crap on business trips, I’ll probably get a better nights sleep there than at home.

And maybe when I get back, the kid will have popped a tooth, finished his growth spurt and reverted back to sleeping enough for mommy to not need IV caffeine to function at work. Here’s hoping.

Hey, have you guys heard of the stress diet? It’s a miracle weight loss program! I’ve lost 6 pounds in the last week on this amazing diet–without having to eat well or exercise. Granted, the side effects of the diet may include crying at the littlest thing, lashing out at your loved ones, stress headaches, body aches and general frustration and irritability. But hey, weight loss is weight loss, right?

Seriously, this stress is killing me.  My day right now is get up, check work email while feeding the baby, get ready, go to work, work work work, head home, eat dinner, play with baby for a few minutes, then work work work some more, lately until 11 or 12. I keep telling myself that if I can just make it through Feb. 1, when one of the websites and the ecommerce store that I’m working on launch, things will even out a little. I’ll be able to breathe.

I hate this kind of stress, particularly work related. I haven’t had this kind of pressure at work in a long time, and I know it’s compounded by the guilt I have when I’m working and feel like I should be with the baby (particularly at home). But regardless of the baby, I’m neck deep in projects and deadlines, just barely keeping my head above water. I need more hours in the day or a clone or, and this is a novel idea, a workload for one person rather than the workload of four people.  But since that’s not likely to happen anytime soon, I guess I’m stuck with bitching about it and then sucking it up and doing my job. At least I’m losing weight through it all…right?

I’m completely done with today.Work is officially trying to kill me. I’m trying to launch 4 websites by the end of this month, completely overhauling one e-commerce shopping cart, updating our database, planning our big conference for February, running a contest, getting 3 catalogs created and oh yeah, all the day to day crap that apparently no one else can do. I’m toast, and thus, you get blogging by bullet point.

• I feel like I’m the only blogger on the internet who doesn’t consider herself a writer. I mean, I write (obviously) but I have no great drive to write the next great American novel. I’d rather read it. Honestly, I’m sure those of you who ARE writers come to this site and feel assaulted by the over (and incorrect) usage of hypens, em dashes, ellipses, and commas. I’m sorry–I tend to write the way the voice in my head sounds–but since I have no inclination to be a Writer with a capital W, that’s how I roll.
• There are a lot of blog posts about privacy, and boundaries and such rolling through my reader. It seems like this comes up en masse every few months. It always makes me think, but I’m pretty happy with where my own privacy boundaries have been drawn. Do I sometimes wish I could unload my deepest darkest thoughts for the cathartic release that might provide? Yes, of course. But I’m pretty much a peace keeper in real life, so I would never want to put something on the internet that might result in upset or angry confrontation in person. But DAMN would I like to sometimes.
• To that same end, password protected posts irritate the hell out of me. Honestly, I get the purpose, but every time I see one I always just think “Why even bother to press publish?” I get writing it–you should see my drafts folder full of things I want to get off my chest–but why publish if you’re not going to make it available to everyone? It also has that whiff of clique-ness, like hey this is only for my REAL internet friends, not the rest of you. It doesn’t bother me enough to stop reading someone, but it does bother me.
• I’m full on bombarded by mommy guilt this week (which has a lot to do with the work situation I know). I kind of feel like I’m not making any of the right decisions, or that I’m making them for selfish reasons, or that I’m not in-tune enough with the kid. All of which is crap, I know in my logical mind. But shit if it’s not killing me anyway.
• Why have we made some of the “simple” things in our kid’s lives–like eating and sleeping and playing–so damn complicated? Everything must be researched, and weighed, and what is so and so doing, and is this ok, and shit if I do this will he grow up smart, and ARGHHH I’m going to permanently damage my child if I do/don’t do X. I’m totally guilty of it myself, of course, I just don’t know WHY we make it so hard. I have to tell myself to shut off my brain after a certain point, and just do what feels right for my kid, in this instance, with the knowledge that I have and what I believe.  I just wish I didn’t have to tell myself that, I wish I just did it.

And to round out this blog post, YAY, a baby photo!

Today I wish…

• I was able to work at home
• my wedding ring fit
• I had my own office, with a door, to make pumping at work easier
• I could finally get the Christmas list I’ve been working on for 2 weeks finished up for my mom
• I had my Christmas shopping, and therefore my Christmas stressing, done
• pumping didn’t make me feel so much like a dairy cow
• I didn’t have to make a designer do a design they aren’t proud of
• I was able to go to the USC/UA game tomorrow
• I knew someone with a babysitter they could recommend
• I didn’t have to go on a business trip in Feb.
• or barring that, that my family could come with me
• I wasn’t so whiny.

Today, it is 86 degrees inside my house and out–we don’t have air conditioning. I feel like my body temp is at least 15 degrees hotter than that.

Today, like every day the last week, I can’t even spend too much time on the computer because sitting in the computer chair hurts more than anything else I do.

Tomorrow is my “due date”, though I’m convinced that the little man is going to be at least a few days late, if not more.

I am hot, I am huge, I am uncomfortable in just about every manner I can imagine.

And yet, it’s not so bad. I’ve made my way to the pool the last few days to both cool off and alleviate some of the pressure of being so pregnant. I’ve got almost everything taken care of that I can take care of so that I can just sit when I’m in the house (preferably with 3 different fans on me and multiple ice packs helping to cool me off). I’ve been able to nap intermittently throughout the day, when I’m not too hot. And while I’m nervous as hell about the eventual labor and delivery that await me, I’m not stressing about it–which if you know me in real life, you know is an absolute miracle.

I don’t know who this somewhat zen person is who has taken over my (hot, swollen, uncomfortable) body, but frankly I’m kind of glad she’s here. There’s a lot going on, and if I were being my “normal” self, I’m pretty sure I’d be a raving lunatic right now.

Of course, we’ll see what happens when I go into labor!

P.S. Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes! It was a great birthday, and I loved hearing from you guys!