So after I wrote my confessional about compliments, a thought stuck with me all day.

I kept coming back to this idea that, beyond having other people compliment us, it can be hard to think of ourselves in complimentary ways. That’s really the crux of what I was getting at, wasn’t it? That I don’t think of myself in complimentary ways, so it seems weird to accept compliments from others? When what I SHOULD be doing is saying:

Yeah. That’s hard.

But I wish it wasn’t. For me, and for anyone else. So I had this silly little thought, and I’ll see how many people play along with me.

I thought maybe I’d post a compliment about myself. Just one.

And then, maybe, you could post a compliment about YOURSELF.

And then maybe, we’d all see these compliments about ourselves written there in black and white for other people to see and see something happy there?

What do you think? (oh, please play along. Otherwise I’m gonna feel REALLY silly about doing this…)

I’ll start:

I’m an exceptionally respectful and patient person. Sometimes to my detriment, but I REALLY try to take that whole “treat others how you would like to be treated” thing to heart. It has served me incredibly well in my career, and in my personal life (though sometimes I think it might possibly hold me back a little in this blogging world. I don’t post a good 50% of what occurs to me because it might upset someone), and I really, REALLY hope that it’s a something I can teach Jackson.

Whew. Ok, that wasn’t so bad. Now…your turn!

Tell me one compliment about yourself. One thing you love or know you rock at or do exceptionally well at. No matter how big or small. What makes YOU awesome?

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Sitting on a squishy couch (how cliche, I think at times), facing the woman who is helping me see myself. The sun filters in through a window and I stare at the line in the carpet where shadow turns to light as she says,

“You’re not very good with hearing compliments, are you?”

And I let out a short laugh.

*****

One of the things I’ve found both fascinating and frustrating about therapy is how much my therapist NAILS about me…and how much of it is an utterly DUH moment once she says it out loud. The first time I went to see her was the first time it became so utterly apparent to me that the things that go on in my head aren’t what everyone thinks. In hindsight, DUH. But it took her pointing it out for me to really see it.

Usually, she points out one thing, one AH-HA moment, during our hour together and then I spend the next week mulling it over. Turning it over and over in my head, looking at it from all angles to see “ok, so now you see this…now what?” It’s honestly one of the strangest things I’ve been through, this having a stranger point out these things that just…are. That are just part of me. Or have been part of me for so long that I don’t see the distinction any longer.

So when she calls me out on the compliment thing, I had to laugh. Because, no. No, I’m not good with hearing compliments.

Certain compliments are fine. “Your hair looks great!” “Oooh, I love your shoes!” “Hon, you look really nice today.” If it’s about my appearance, or things I own, or surface things like that, I don’t have a hard time with them. I take my compliment, say a gracious thank you, and leave with a little smile.

But beyond that? Well, that’s when things break down.

It’s not that I don’t GET compliments (I mean, I’m not drowning in them or anything. I’m not trying to say I’m covered in compliments from sunup to sundown). But if I don’t see the value in them, or don’t believe them myself? It’s like they bounce right off me. Like I’ve got this shield that keeps them from sinking in.

And the reality is, I don’t often feel like there is anything special enough about me to warrant compliments.

Many of the things I get compliments on I feel like are just HOW YOU SHOULD BE. It’s strange to get compliments at work for things like meeting or beating the budget, or managing my team well, or having patience with a difficult author. For coming up with solutions to problems. For handling a tough situation. Those are just parts of MY JOB. Getting compliments for them doesn’t seem like something that should happen. Same for my “off duty” life. I’m patient, I’m kind, I care about other people’s feelings. Why am I getting compliments for things that are just…how people should be?

So I don’t internalize those compliments. Because to me, it’s like complimenting someone on the fact that they breath air well. It’s just what you’re supposed to do, that’s not something worth complimenting.

And then there’s this:

These are not the kinds of things that our society values. These are not traits to be celebrated. These are not, as my therapist said, “sexy traits.” These are not things that people stand up and cheer for. These aren’t creating, or doing, or being anything exceptional. These may be worth a compliment in a situational context (say, a performance review), but these are not the things that make superstars.

And we’re a culture that values superstars.

So it makes sense (in my head, at least) that I don’t do well with compliments. To me, I’m just “average.” I’m not a superstar. I’m not building, creating, doing in that way. I’m a good solid worker, who is a good solid manager, with good solid ethics, who has good solid ideas, and good solid personality traits. But “good, and solid?” Those aren’t the things that inspire REAL compliments.

And yet.

This is also utter bullshit. Because on the FLIP side? I totally recognize and cheer and find value in these types of things IN OTHER PEOPLE. I want to rave about the small things that others do, and one of my favorite types of compliments to give besides “ooh I love your shoes” is “man, that was a really nice thing you did.” I want to acknowledge the big things, of course, but also the small ones. So many of my favorite people are people who do awesome at the BIG things. But man, so, so, so, SO many of them are the ones who are specTACULAR at the little ones.

So why isn’t it enough for me?

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