Ramble Ramble

I have 3 websites launching this week (like, TOMORROW), and our big trade show next week, and I am FREAKING OUT because I have so much to do and so little time to do it, and I feel like one of those cartoons where the steam inside the character’s head keeps building and building and building until their head explodes, and dear GOD do I want this week to be over, and then, maybe then, I can relax and not feel like this giant ball of OMGOMGOMG!

So um, yeah, posting may be a little sparse until later this week when I might be able to, ya know, breathe or something.

P.S. Your comments on my last two posts have not gone unnoticed–when I have time to intelligently respond to them, I will, but for now, let me just say–You guys are the best, and I know that more every time you leave me such thoughtful comments!

These days, I’m really stressed. (as I may have mentioned). I’m over-worked, and over-tired, and over-stressed. And when I get over-stressed, I tend to become stupidly emotional. Sometimes my stress manifests in anger, sometimes in sadness, and sometimes, like now, in overwhelming guilt.

Yup, I get stressed and GUILT is the primary emotion I feel. I’m my own brand of crazy.

Some of the guilt makes sense.

• I feel guilty about working so much, and not spending enough time with the kid.
• I feel guilty when I’m at work and have to take breaks to pump, since it’s “wasted” work time.
• I feel guilty when I’m at work and itching for the clock to hit 5, so that I can at least go home and work near my kid.
• I feel guilty about not feeling like I’m giving any of the areas of my life enough of me. I feel like everything is getting short changed–you know, jack of all trades, master of none type stuff.

But those things all kind of make sense. Those are things that you could see any logical person thinking when things get stressful and there aren’t enough hours in the day. Let me share with you where my feelings of guilt are CAH-RAZY person talk, obviously brought on by emotional stress:

• I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I feel like I should know better, so it just exacerbates the problem.
• The kid has been spitting up a lot lately. It’s relatively new in the last couple of weeks (well, the volume. It’s not like he’s never spit up before). Rather than think, like a normal person, “oh the kid is drooling a TON, and has recently figured out how to nurse way faster but hasn’t figured out how to feel full as fast, and therefore, extra contents of stomach must find exit point”, my first thoughts are: “what did I eat today? Obviously I ate something that disagrees with him. Oh, God, what if he has reflux or an allergy and I’m missing it because I’m so busy, and crap I’m the worst mother in the world because my kid is miserable and it’s all because of me. I should just eliminate everything from my diet except crackers and water, just in case.” It should be noted that the kid? Is never bothered by spitting up. He’s not upset, or fussy, or mad (except when we stop playing to wipe his face, how DARE you stop the playing?). I on the other hand, have been turning into a mess about it.
• I threw N.C. a surprise party this weekend for his 30th birthday (which, by his telling actually was both a surprise and a lot of fun). But a bunch of people ended up not able to make the party, turning the surprise party into more of a surprise…gathering? get-together? So I spent the night feeling guilty that I didn’t throw him a good enough party, or that I should have invited more people, or that I should have known that people wouldn’t make it and so planned something different where it wouldn’t be so obvious that I failed completely at my (self-imposed) task of throwing him a party. Somehow I managed to feel guilty about OTHER people not showing up to a party.
• I found myself feeling guilty the other day that we’re doing ok financially. I know a lot of people, family included, who aren’t so lucky right now. And rather than just feel blessed that we’re in a good place right now, I feel guilty about our relative good fortune. Like I should be ashamed of our lot in life.
• On Friday, the girl who reports to me left work early because she got sick. Because of that, something (that is not on any deadline at all) didn’t happen. And when someone asked me about it today, in a totally non-confrontational way, I felt guilty and defensive that it hadn’t gotten done. Like I should have done it on Friday when my coordinator went home and so felt guilty that I hadn’t.

These are just a few examples of my crazy. I mean, the guilt extends into all areas of my life. Cat not getting enough attention: guilt. Car needs to have the alignment done: guilt. Give the baby to N.C. so I can go to the bathroom: guilt. Tracked water into the office during torrential rain: guilt. I mean, over the stupidest crap. And I recognize it’s stupid crap, and I recognize that it’s related to my stress level. But that doesn’t really help–even though I know I’m being crazy, I can’t seem to stop.

I know it will get better when the stress lets up. I know it will, so it’s just one more reason to hang on until then. It’s a little like a roller-coaster–I’m all white knuckled fear, gripping the bar for dear life, and just waiting, waiting, waiting, until the ride is over and I can breathe again.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

So I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Actually, I’m a little under my pre-preg weight, and have been for a little over a month. But before you’re all, “woohoo, yay you!”, I must clarify…

I may be at that number, but I am a looooong way from that body. This new body is squishy, and jiggly, and mushy all around my middle section. If I laugh too hard, my belly feels like that line from ‘Twas the Night before Christmas…you know the one:

He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Yeah, never really thought I’d know exactly what a bowlful of jelly feels like. I need to work out, I know that’s the cure, but I still get worn out and hurt if I overdo it. Not to say I shouldn’t be doing something (well, something more than the million trips up and down the stairs I make everyday), but it’s not like I’m able to do an hour on the elliptical to really get some cardio going. And forget about ab workouts–that just flat out makes my eyes water with pain. I know some people are able to handle ab workouts right after a c-section, but I obviously am not one of them.

So yeah, the number on the scale is back to where it was a year ago, but NONE of my clothes fit me. I could technically get in my old jeans, if it weren’t for the fact that they hurt my incision something wicked. Add in my ginormo breastfeeding boobs, and you’ve got a closet full of nothing to wear. I can’t wear my old clothes cuz they’re too small, and I can’t even get away with my maternity clothes because they’re all too BIG.

Unfortunately for me, though, I go back to work in two weeks. Two weeks, and I have approximately 1 outfit I can get away with at work. Which means I need to go shopping! On the one hand, that’s just what you want when your body isn’t at its best, to spend money on new clothes that you’re hoping won’t fit you in a few short months. But on the other…it’s been what feels like a really long time since I felt like I look presentable, between the old pregnant whale who couldn’t wear shoes and the post-partum mommy who never leaves the house. So there’s a part of me that is looking forward to at least looking put together, and maybe even…pretty?

So here’s my question kids…given that I don’t want to (and can’t) spend a fortune, and given that I’m not exactly what you would call svelte at the moment, and given that I could really use the personal boost of looking nice at work 5 days a week….where does one shop? I need enough clothes to get through 5 days at work–I don’t mind repeating my wardrobe week to week–but I definitely don’t have a big budget for that, probably no more than a couple hundred dollars (including shoes, since my feet have also gone up in size). I’ve looked at Old Navy (their stuff never fit me well even in the pre-squishy days), Target (same), and a little bit at Khol’s (which is hit or miss for me style wise). What other places are there for business casual, non-teenage body types on a budget?

I am so incredibly frustrated today, I could just cry. Or scream. Or hit something. Or go home and hide under the covers. Or all of the above.

Why am I so frustrated? Let’s count the ways.

• Work has been killing me the last couple of days. Yesterday, I had one meeting that was an hour and 1/2 long, all about legal mumbo jumbo. Why I’m the one leading the meeting on the legal mumbo jumbo (um, hello, I’m in marketing kids) is still beyond me.
• That meeting was followed up by a 2 hour meeting yesterday, and another 2 1/2 hour meeting this morning to decide something that by rights needs about 2 months to decide, strategize, plan and prepare for. Instead, we’re trying to do it in 24 hours. Sometimes I think my workplace is held together by spit and duct tape.
• I am completely & ridiculously overwhelmed by my medical insurance, and the round-robin they have me on just to get one seemingly simple answer. In trying to get that one simple answer, I have now spoken with my HR department, my doctor’s office, and my insurance company, which of course has led me to a place where I have NO idea what’s going on, I get the distinct feeling I’m getting screwed by two of those entities, and I have no clue how on earth to move forward. They really need an insurance to human translator.
• Of course, getting overwhelmed about my insurance leads to the inevitable freak out about how on God’s green earth we’re going to pay for this baby to even be born, and let’s not get started on how we’re going to manage during my maternity leave, and dear lord we’re going to be broke and destitute and living in a box with a newborn. (yes, I know, I’m freaking out and that’s all not logical. Chalk it up to hormones and talking to the insurance company).
• And then, in the petty column over here we have the fact that my feet are too swollen for any of my shoes except flip flops, my fingers are too swollen for my wedding & engagement ring (the first time since I got married that I’ve been without my wedding ring), and this kid won’t stop kicking or punching me in VERY unpleasant places (making those two hour meetings even more fun).

Ok, so in reality it’s basically two things that have me so worked up (and a few nights in a row of not sleeping well, and some petty whining), but I’ve got that thing going on where I’m in one mindset and can’t snap out of it. And of course, it’s coloring all the other things I’m dealing with. I feel like I just need a do-over for today.

Oh wait, then I’d have to sit through that meeting again. Nevermind, let’s just fast forward to tonight then–sitting on the couch watching Lost sounds like a good remedy for my frustrations.

One thing I know about myself–I’m horrible at making decisions. I feel compelled to obsessively research, and dissect, and analyze until I get to a point where I just don’t care anymore and just pick the next thing I see. Of course, when I finally DO make a decision, I often then second-guess said decision until I drive myself crazy (see: why I’ve never gotten a tattoo. I’m notorious for buyers remorse).

I do that with everything–vacations, what we should have for dinner, new shoes. Hell, I did about a month’s worth of “research” and “analyzing” before I started this blog (though you’d never know it now). It drives my husband bonkers, and frankly it drives me bonkers too. I wish I could just….pick something.

Of course, this has major repercussions for my life. Take for example, my approach to healthcare. I usually obsessively search for a new doctor for weeks, until it gets to a point where I have to just go to whichever office can get me in. Then I end up sticking with them if it wasn’t too bad…and sometimes even if it was. This is how we’ve ended up with a dentist we don’t love, and no primary care physician. Luckily I like my OB office–enough to stick with them even though we’ve moved 2 towns over (although I do have moments of obsessing about this as well).

This is just one sad little example. It really does permeate almost all of my life–with one very notable exception.

Work.

See, when I’m a work, I’m a decision & opinion machine, sometimes even when I haven’t been asked. When I make a decision, I stick to it unless information or circumstances change enough to make me rethink things. I don’t hem and haw over decisions for weeks. I don’t second-guess my decisions when I do make them. I just do what I know to be right and best for the job at hand and move on.

My question–anyone have any suggestions on how to take that element from my work life and apply it to the rest of my life?