As I said in my 2011 recap, the approach of a to-do list* seems to work much better for me than a resolution list. Maybe it’s because it then becomes a task as opposed to this big vague LIFE CHANGE thing, but I feel like I did better in 2011 at doing the things I wanted to do than in previous years.

So I’m starting my 2012 To-Do list here, which I reserve the right to ADD to (though I won’t delete anything. Accountability and all). I’ll eventually post it in the menu bar of this blog, to keep it accessible all year long. It seemed to work last year, let’s see if it’ll work this year!

But, I’ve also had two overarching themes in my head as I’ve thought about what I’d like to get out of 2012, and I’m throwing those out there as just ideas to guide me through all my actions in the new year:

Get Your Shit Together

and

Be Where You Are

The first one is easy enough. In general, I want to get my shit together. At home, at work, in my blogs, in my relationships, in my finances. I want to stop putting off the things I know I need/should/have to do and just…do them. A handful of things in my To-Do list reflect this, but I also just want it to be a mindset I have, even in non-to-do list items.

The second one is maybe a little harder. I want to stop taking myself out of the situations I’m in by wanting something I’m not currently doing. I want to be more present with my kid and my husband. I want to stop spending time at work wishing I was somewhere else to the detriment of my focus. I want to stop always looking forward to the next thing on the list at the expense of the thing I’m currently doing. I want to BE..wherever I am.

So between the To-Do list and those two themes, I’ve got my work cut out for me in 2012. I think I can handle it though–I’ve got 365 days to do it all!

1. Read 50 books.
2. File our taxes before April.
3. Bring lunch to work at least 3 times a week.
4. Skype with all of Jackson’s grandparents at least once a month.
5. Do one thing a month to pamper myself, make me feel pretty, or accomplished or special.
   
6. Attend a concert.
7. Redo the categories and tags on Ramble Ramble.
8. Grow Noodle Knobs to at least 1/2 the traffic and subscribers of Ramble Ramble.
9. Organize my makeup drawer by making this.
10. Take Jackson to Legoland.
11. Get to my goal weight.
12. Eat at least one vegetarian meal a week.
13. Streamline my social media accounts.
14. Take at least one picture a month with Jackson that I’m in as well.
15. Commit to writing posts before turning on Twitter or FB if I have a post idea.
16. Create a workable monthly budget.
17. Get crowns on my front 6 teeth.
18. Handmake 3 items for fun, function or fashion this year.
19. Go on a road trip with my family.
20. Do 350 jumping jacks a week.
21. Host a local blogger get-together.
22. Print and frame family photos.
23. Fill out the entire year of the One Line a Day book.
24. Learn a great, go-to tortilla soup recipe.
25. Find an “everyday” cocktail that isn’t mostly caffeine or acid.
26. Have one date night a month with my husband (even if we don’t leave the house).
27. Create a media kit for Ramble Ramble.
28. Get my rings and earrings cleaned.
29. Continue saying yes more often.
30. Wake up by 6:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that Jackson gets to daycare on time.
31. Have people over for dinner/drinks 3 times this year.
32. Get my passport up to date.
33. Cook or bake at least once a month.
34. Make a memory binder of all of Jackson’s photos from daycare.
35. See 5 movies in the theater.
36. Buy reusable baggies for Jackson’s and my lunches.
37. Clean out my feed reader of blogs I read just because they’re big.
38. Mark Jackson’s growth every 3 months for a year.
39. Write Jackson and N.C. letters once a month.
40. Start selling Noodle Knobs prints.

*I’m fairly certain I stole this idea from Jennie, which given how much I want to be Jennie when I grow up doesn’t surprise me (we’ll ignore the fact that she’s younger than me. This once).

It’s time, once again, for Linda’s year in review questionnaire, which I love because it keeps me from going all slack-jawed and stupid about “what the hell did I do this year?” by forcing me to answer specific questions (of course, I’ll still forget stuff. It’s inevitable). Let’s see how 2011 stacks up to 2010, shall we?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Danced in a flash mob. Went to not one, not two, but three blog conferences. Lost 20 pounds (even if I gained 10 of it back) with the help of Biggest Blogging Loser. Got a little bit of fashion sense. Did Vegas like grown-ups. Got a dog. Weaned a kid (holy hormonal hell batman!). Vlogged…twice! Went to the Del Mar races.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year??

I’m actually pretty impressed with myself. Out of 41 items on my 2011 To-Do list (instead of resolutions), I accomplished all but 16. Of those 16, I came REALLY close to checking another 3 off. I’d consider that an overall success.

I’ll definitely be doing another goals list–I found it a much better way for me to approach the new year than resolutions. It was really helpful to be able to see it as a task list, filled with things I could accomplish, rather than general big picture changes that always seem vague: “eat better” “exercise more” “get more done”, etc. If anything, I need to get MORE specific.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth??

Lots of friends and family, and lots of internet friends. (Still don’t have baby fever though).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully no one I was close to passed away this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

Sadly, none. There *may* be a chance that I’ll be able to change that next year (Vancouver, I’m coming for you!).

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Direction. Patience. Motivation. Local friends I can just…call up to hang out with. (and I wouldn’t say no to a little more money either).

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Like I remember dates. HA! But I will remember these events: BlogHer, specifically the Operation Glory flashmob & reading this post at the Listen To Your Mother open mic event, for how awesome it was to put myself out there. The day I got my promotion because it justified all the hard work I’ve done. This moment with my sweet little boy because it was so adorable. My fifth wedding anniversary, because hey VEGAS! The earthquake/tsunami in Japan for being so terrifying. The 10th anniversary of 9/11 for being so heartbreaking. The power outage in San Diego for really making me question what we’d REALLY do in a major emergency.  Halloween, because DAMN is that kid of mine adorable. This day at the beach in October, for the pure joy and fun of the day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year??

Losing 20 pounds (I lost a few more pounds after that post was written). Launching several big digital products at work. Solving a problem at work that has been around for at least 7 years. Surviving the trip to Texas with Jackson.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I think most of my biggest failures are all about other people. I know I failed at being the parent I want to be a lot of the time. I know I failed at being the wife I want a lot of the time. And I know I’ve not been the best daughter, friend, or relative that one could ask for.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well, let’s just say I put my kid in daycare and leave it at that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New iPhone. A Nook (yes, I’ve only had it for 3 days and I already think it’s that great). A partially new wardrobe.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. Daycare. Gas. Groceries (dudes, feeding this family of 3 people and 2 animals is WAY more expensive than it should be).

13. What did you get really excited about?

Watching my kiddo grow and learn and thrive. That sounds really cheesy, but there is something sooo cool about watching his brain switch on and start to make connections. I mean, it helps that I think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, but even still, I think it’s so cool to watch him learn to talk, to jump, to sing, to whistle (ok, maybe not that one yet)! And calling me Momma? That was pretty awesome.

Meeting bloggers. Seriously, all my excitement about every major blogging event was about meeting bloggers I love online. I can only hope I get to do more of that in 2012.

I’ll also say that starting to write more (and connect more) about being a working mom was really, really exciting for me. It really started with this post, but every time I find myself writing about being a working mom, I feel a weight lift and a little bit more of me shine through in this space–and that’s exciting.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Pumped Up Kicks (seriously, how much have I heard that song this year? ) and You’ve Got a Friend in Me from Toy Story.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:?

– happier or sadder?  about the same
– thinner or fatter? thinner
– richer or poorer? poorer (see also: daycare).

16. What do you wish you’d done more of??

In real life: Laughed. Talked. Read. Gone out with my husband. Slept.

In blogland: Written more about publishing like I keep promising. Made more out of Noodle Knobs, which I love and think deserves WAY more than what I’ve been able to give it. Been better about doing more of the things I like and less of the things I feel like I *should* do.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of??

Worried. Snapped. Got frustrated. Yelled. Cared about other people’s opinions. Coveted stuff I can’t have. Watched bad tv.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With family here in San Diego. Christmas with a toddler is pretty cool actually.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

A lot of my favorites have been kind of lackluster this year, but I admit I’m really like Up All Night, Walking Dead, and I still love the fun silliness of Burn Notice. I’m really hoping that Project Runway All-Stars doesn’t suck as much as this last season did. And can we get Mad Men BACK already?

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games series. Bossypants. The Art of Fielding.

21. What was your favorite music from this year??

Again, I’m gonna cheat and say pretty much anything from the Sirius Alt Nation station. I also will admit to loving (and hating myself for loving) Moves Like Jagger. I know, I know. You can disown me now.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

The final Harry Potter. Super 8 was pretty fun. Man, we really just didn’t see that many movies this year that weren’t animated…

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32, and my husband and I took the afternoon off to meander around like we had not a care in the world (and no kid in tow). We held hands and had NO agenda, and it was awesome. (we also had drinks and snacks, so it was nice in multiple ways.)

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think if I could have lightened up on myself, that would have been SUPER. AT work, at home, in finances, in everything…I blamed myself for a lot, which only created this tension in my own head a lot.

And of course, more free time would have been great, as would more money.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Getting there. I’m starting to realize that I’m mostly a pretty classic/safe dresser, but that I love having little surprises–zebra striped sequined flats, a bottle cap belt, feather earrings, etc. I’m hoping to continue to build an actual WARDROBE in 2012.

26. What kept you sane?

My husband (except when he was driving me insane). My kid (except when he made me mental). This blog. Sleep.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.?

Learning to say YES is just as important as learning to say No. You’re much more likely to get a great memory if you say YES occasionally.

(if you made it to the end of this epic beast, you seriously deserve a prize. SHEESH how did this get to almost 1500 words???)

I really need to stop being an asshole before Christmas gets here. I mean, the Christmas Asshole isn’t liked by anyone, even by the Grinch.

— rambleginger (@rambleginger) December 20, 2011

I’ve been having a tough time with Christmas spirit. There was the being sick, and the grown-up Christmas decisions, and some general malaise about our finances and how other people have it better and wah-wah-wah. I tried to bake, and it was a disaster. My company gave us the news of no raises for the holidays, and I had some less than nice thoughts about our holiday “events” at work. The day I went out to finish my shopping, I got cut off four times, flipped off two, & run into with three carts (without even an “oops, I’m sorry”). I tried to make candy, and it was an explosive disaster. I even got a stupid freaking cold sore, guaranteed to put me in a FANTASTIC mood.

But then the screwed up cookies tasted pretty good, even if they weren’t nice enough to give as gifts. And the caramel, though not perfect, was giftable (and edible!). The shopping got done, the tree got trimmed, the teachers and school staff got gifts, the secret santa exchanges went off without too many hitches, gifts were donated to a holiday drive, and yet I was left on Monday night still in a bit of funk.

I was being a world class brat. No. As I said on Twitter, I was being the Christmas A**hole. And no one likes that guy.

But between then and now, the holiday joy has started seeping in, making me feel both crummy for my bad attitude and grateful that (however belated), I did finally come into the Christmas spirit. I stopped thinking about what I don’t have, and can’t do, and looked around at how lucky and blessed I am. I looked at the joy in my little guy’s eyes as we drove past lights, and the happiness that just ONE candy coated pretzel brought him. I thought about how excited I am to give him the gifts we’ve chosen for him–how excited I am to see his excitement on Christmas morning. I thought about how many people in this city  alone would smack me for being so ungrateful for all my blessings. I thought about what Christmas really means, and how to let all the rest fall away.

I’m happy to report that the Christmas Ass has left, and has been replaced by someone with actual holiday cheer. I’m feeling festive, and even have some goodwill towards commuters, upper management at my office, and even the twits who ran into me with their shopping carts the other day (some. Not a lot. Just some). I still wish this cough would go away, and this stupid cold sore gets NO love from me, but overall, I’m much less Scroogy than I was just a mere 24 hours ago.

Just in time, because I hear there’s a big holiday coming up soon?

Today, we made a very grown up decision about Christmas, and gifts, and finances.

Instead of buying each other a bunch of gifts with money we don’t really have to spare right now, we’re going to get each other phone upgrades…something that is a combination of need and want, and about all that our finances really should allow (no, we’re not going to get the 4s. Our budget won’t allow for that upgrade).

And while it’s a grown up decision, and it’s still an AWESOME thing to have (I know! Trust me, I know!), and it’s the RIGHT grown up decision, it still kinda hurts that little kid inside of me who thrills at the idea of a pile of gifts under the tree, and the grown up me who still does have a wish list.

Trust me, I understand how incredibly spoiled and selfish this sounds. WAH, poor me, just getting a new smart phone for Christmas, and not any of the OTHER stuff I want. Dudes, I KNOW. I’m cringing AT MYSELF.

But still. Sometimes it’s these sorts of moments that really reinforce the idea that, whoa! we’re grown ups. It’s absolutely more important to me to be able to get Jackson some gifts, and my family. It’s absolutely more important that we’re able to pay bills without stressing about the money. It’s absolutely more important that we have the money to do THINGS as a family than to have gifts under the tree from my husband to me. But it’s such a grown up line of thought–in order to get those things over there, we’re sacrificing this thing over here. However small and inconsequential it may be. However selfish it may be.

This is one of those things that makes me annoyed at myself–I know how selfish this all sounds, I know how whiny this all sounds, and I KNOW how lucky we are that we even have the kind of budget that allows this kind of indulgence ( I KNOW!). But I also know that I’m allowed to be the grown up and make the grown up decisions…and still be a little disappointed that my wishlist will remain full of wishes.

Being a grown up sucks sometimes is what I’m saying.

I am a used Honda in a land of new BMWs, Porsches, and Maseratis.

I am a Target and Ross in a land of Nordstroms and Barneys.

I am a Von’s in a land of Whole Foods.

I am a Merona in a land of Louboutins.

I am a renter in a land of owners.

It’s hard, sometimes, to not covet everything around me. I see people buying iPads and cars, homes and vacations, weekly pedicures and blow outs, new clothes and new shoes, and it gets harder to not WANT. All. The. Time. I have a long list of things I want to get someday (soon? never?), from the inexpensive to the out of this world pricey, but my day to day existence doesn’t allow for those purchases regularly. Which, fine. Most days, fine. They’re just things (or experiences), and I’m lucky (SO LUCKY I KNOW) to have the comfortable life I have. I have more discretionary income than a huge swath of the population, I understand this. But in the area I live? Well, let’s just say we’re living in a place out of our tax bracket. And I see those differences…a lot.

Some of that is due to bad choices of my younger days that I’m still paying for. Some of that is due to choices we’ve made as a family. Some of that is due to medical and dental stuff (I may love my kid beyond reason, but I don’t love the fact that I’m STILL paying for his delivery). Some of it is just due to the careers that my husband and I have chosen.

And like I said. Most days, it’s fine. Like I said, it’s just stuff or experiences, and I’m lucky and blessed to have a world filled with important things: love, laughter, books, music, work, education, family, etc.

But there are days I can’t help but look with jealousy at what I can’t have. Days when I wonder if I’ll ever, ever be anything more than a used Honda.