So.

Yeah.

That whole 2012 To-Do List?

Yeah, that’s not going so well.

Mostly in the things that were in the vein of “do thing x a certain amount/by a certain date.” Because, in looking back, HOLY CRAP was I ambitious on some of those. I mean, REALLY Ginger? There are like 12 items on there that have a weekly or monthly timeline. I must have been insane.

But I’m trying to get better about saying, “This self-imposed thing with this self-imposed deadline isn’t as important as X.” Because part of what I’m learning is that I’m way harder on myself than anyone else (learning? yeah, ok, fine, reinforcing). So I’m trying to get better about accepting that it’s not going to happen and move on.

That’s hard.

Especially when I put it up for the whole world to read.

BUT. NO MATTER.

I’m not a failure because I wasn’t able to write in a journal every day. Or because I’m not cutting it with a weekly vegetarian meal. Or, really anything. Because sometimes there are more important things that come along in life than an arbitrary list of things you created on an arbitrary day some point in the past. Things like getting better or more centered or all around more at peace. And that to-do list? Sometimes that’s the opposite of peace for me.

That’s not to say that I’m completely abandoning my list. But I am trying to think about how to remove the guilt of not accomplishing some of those items so that I can move forward to the ones I CAN accomplish (50 books this year, I’m coming for you). I’m trying to look at it as a growth opportunity instead of a “failure.” And in reframing the way I look at it, I’m hoping I can embrace the parts I CAN do.

There’s nothing wrong with setting personal goals and milestones. But there is something wrong when you berate yourself for not making them.

And I’m trying to stop being my own worst critic. (Maybe that should be on the to-do list).

Oh you guys.

I want to thank you all for the awesome support in the comments of my last post, along with the amazing emails and FB/Twitter messages you guys sent me. I swear to you, even if it takes me all week, I’m going to answer every single one of them, because they have been such a source of support and…well, happiness, if I’m honest. It’s funny, I wasn’t scared or nervous about posting about the depression and anxiety, because I figured–hey, it is what it is, you know?

But the support and love I got from you guys reminded me of why I like talking to the Internet in the first place–because there are amazing, wonderful, uplifting and supportive people on the other end of the computer screen. And as I said on Twitter, I will always be grateful for the people who have been brought into my life thanks to the internet.

/sap

On an unrelated note entirely (except for the fact that it’s part of why it may still take me another week to answer everyone back).

This weekend marks my husband N.C.’s solo show Abandoned Menagerie up in the L.A. area. This show has been about a year in the making, and I can’t even begin to tell you how excited we BOTH are that the show is finally, FINALLY here. One of the things that’s difficult to explain about living with an artist is the intensity it takes to put even an individual piece together, much less an entire solo show. Then there are the various stresses: building a career, carrying a show, and trying to maintain your responsibilities to your family while doing this all. I’m not explaining it well, but the point is, it’s not easy. It’s wonderful, but it’s not easy.

I’m so, so, so, SO proud of the work my husband has done–the show looks amazing (seriously, the pieces in person are phenomenal. If you’re in the L.A. area on Saturday, you really should try and come see them. And say hi to me). But I’m also insanely proud of how well he’s handled the stress and strain of this year. I’m proud that he managed to do this show without sacrificing any of his artistic integrity AND without sacrificing his family. The balancing act was really hard on him, I know. And I couldn’t be more proud. No matter how the show does, no matter what Saturday night brings, he’s got something to be happy and, yes, PROUD of.

I’ve seriously seen this on at LEAST 20 blogs in the last few weeks, and figured it would be a nice easy Friday activity. I’ll give Jive Turkey the dibs on being the first place I saw it, though lord knows that wasn’t the last.

A. Age: 32

B. Bed size: Queen. I lust after a king though, particularly on the days when I’m sleeping on a damn 6 inches of bed thanks to *ahem* the other living things in my bed.

C. Chore that you hate: The floors. I LOATHE the floors. Sadly, with a toddler, cat, and dog, the floors require more of my attention than I’d like.

D. Dogs: One squirrelly dog.(who, omg, I just realized we’ve had for almost a year. That is bananas!)

E. Essential start to your day: Diet Coke. A shower. Breakfast with protein.

F. Favorite color: Greens, teals, reds, and purples. Yes, I have more than one favorite.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver, mostly. I have a few gold pieces though.

H. Height: 5’5″ish

I. Instruments you play: In another lifetime, I played piano and flute. And a few random semesters of playing with the concert band on things like gongs and cymbals and bells and things.

J. Job title: Senior Marketing Manager for a book publisher.

K. Kids: One. He’s pretty awesome, but totally a handful.

L. Live: North County San Diego. The most gorgeous place I’ve ever lived.

M. Mother’s name: Vicki.

N. Nicknames: Gin, Ginna, Hon, Mommy

O. Overnight hospital stays: One, that whole labor/delivery/c-section thing.

P. Pet peeves: People who merge onto the freeway at 15 miles per hour. Drivers who cut you off. Drivers who swing WAY out to turn. Obliviousness. Not paying attention to the people around you. Reply All when poorly used. People who don’t do their jobs. (I know there are more…)

Q. Quote from a movie: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

R. Right- or left-handed: Right

S. Siblings: Two younger half-sisters

T. Tattoos & Piercings: (note: I’ve seen this with no T, and some other t’s, but this is the one I kept). No tattoos. I used to have a two piercings in each ear, a cartilage piercing in one ear, and a bellybutton piercing. All but the single piercing in each ear have been abandoned at this time.

U. Underwear: These ones. In fact, I need more. (I think they still carry them…)

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Over time, I’ve softened my stance of some of my former hated veggies. I now love brussels sprouts, onions (just not raw), and even spinach in some cases. But I still don’t really care for most greens, at least not cooked. And yes, I tried kale chips. Y’all are all crazy, those things are NOT my idea of a good time.

W. What makes you run late: The toddler. Oversleeping. Traffic.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Hmmm, making me use my memory. Let’s see: arm at least once that I remember (it wasn’t broken, just horribly jammed), my right knee several times, lots of teeth (LOTS), my neck & back once. I think that’s it…

Y. Yummy food that you make: Guacamole, green chile cornbread dressing, green chile stew, pecan pie. Those are my standouts.

Z. Zoo animal: Living by San Diego, I’m spoiled with an amazing zoo, but the Safari Park is my favorite, and I love love the area where giraffes and rhinos and stuff are all just wandering around. But I’ll always have a soft spot for the big cats.

As I said in my 2011 recap, the approach of a to-do list* seems to work much better for me than a resolution list. Maybe it’s because it then becomes a task as opposed to this big vague LIFE CHANGE thing, but I feel like I did better in 2011 at doing the things I wanted to do than in previous years.

So I’m starting my 2012 To-Do list here, which I reserve the right to ADD to (though I won’t delete anything. Accountability and all). I’ll eventually post it in the menu bar of this blog, to keep it accessible all year long. It seemed to work last year, let’s see if it’ll work this year!

But, I’ve also had two overarching themes in my head as I’ve thought about what I’d like to get out of 2012, and I’m throwing those out there as just ideas to guide me through all my actions in the new year:

Get Your Shit Together

and

Be Where You Are

The first one is easy enough. In general, I want to get my shit together. At home, at work, in my blogs, in my relationships, in my finances. I want to stop putting off the things I know I need/should/have to do and just…do them. A handful of things in my To-Do list reflect this, but I also just want it to be a mindset I have, even in non-to-do list items.

The second one is maybe a little harder. I want to stop taking myself out of the situations I’m in by wanting something I’m not currently doing. I want to be more present with my kid and my husband. I want to stop spending time at work wishing I was somewhere else to the detriment of my focus. I want to stop always looking forward to the next thing on the list at the expense of the thing I’m currently doing. I want to BE..wherever I am.

So between the To-Do list and those two themes, I’ve got my work cut out for me in 2012. I think I can handle it though–I’ve got 365 days to do it all!

1. Read 50 books.
2. File our taxes before April.
3. Bring lunch to work at least 3 times a week.
4. Skype with all of Jackson’s grandparents at least once a month.
5. Do one thing a month to pamper myself, make me feel pretty, or accomplished or special.
   
6. Attend a concert.
7. Redo the categories and tags on Ramble Ramble.
8. Grow Noodle Knobs to at least 1/2 the traffic and subscribers of Ramble Ramble.
9. Organize my makeup drawer by making this.
10. Take Jackson to Legoland.
11. Get to my goal weight.
12. Eat at least one vegetarian meal a week.
13. Streamline my social media accounts.
14. Take at least one picture a month with Jackson that I’m in as well.
15. Commit to writing posts before turning on Twitter or FB if I have a post idea.
16. Create a workable monthly budget.
17. Get crowns on my front 6 teeth.
18. Handmake 3 items for fun, function or fashion this year.
19. Go on a road trip with my family.
20. Do 350 jumping jacks a week.
21. Host a local blogger get-together.
22. Print and frame family photos.
23. Fill out the entire year of the One Line a Day book.
24. Learn a great, go-to tortilla soup recipe.
25. Find an “everyday” cocktail that isn’t mostly caffeine or acid.
26. Have one date night a month with my husband (even if we don’t leave the house).
27. Create a media kit for Ramble Ramble.
28. Get my rings and earrings cleaned.
29. Continue saying yes more often.
30. Wake up by 6:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that Jackson gets to daycare on time.
31. Have people over for dinner/drinks 3 times this year.
32. Get my passport up to date.
33. Cook or bake at least once a month.
34. Make a memory binder of all of Jackson’s photos from daycare.
35. See 5 movies in the theater.
36. Buy reusable baggies for Jackson’s and my lunches.
37. Clean out my feed reader of blogs I read just because they’re big.
38. Mark Jackson’s growth every 3 months for a year.
39. Write Jackson and N.C. letters once a month.
40. Start selling Noodle Knobs prints.

*I’m fairly certain I stole this idea from Jennie, which given how much I want to be Jennie when I grow up doesn’t surprise me (we’ll ignore the fact that she’s younger than me. This once).

It’s time, once again, for Linda’s year in review questionnaire, which I love because it keeps me from going all slack-jawed and stupid about “what the hell did I do this year?” by forcing me to answer specific questions (of course, I’ll still forget stuff. It’s inevitable). Let’s see how 2011 stacks up to 2010, shall we?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Danced in a flash mob. Went to not one, not two, but three blog conferences. Lost 20 pounds (even if I gained 10 of it back) with the help of Biggest Blogging Loser. Got a little bit of fashion sense. Did Vegas like grown-ups. Got a dog. Weaned a kid (holy hormonal hell batman!). Vlogged…twice! Went to the Del Mar races.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year??

I’m actually pretty impressed with myself. Out of 41 items on my 2011 To-Do list (instead of resolutions), I accomplished all but 16. Of those 16, I came REALLY close to checking another 3 off. I’d consider that an overall success.

I’ll definitely be doing another goals list–I found it a much better way for me to approach the new year than resolutions. It was really helpful to be able to see it as a task list, filled with things I could accomplish, rather than general big picture changes that always seem vague: “eat better” “exercise more” “get more done”, etc. If anything, I need to get MORE specific.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth??

Lots of friends and family, and lots of internet friends. (Still don’t have baby fever though).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully no one I was close to passed away this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

Sadly, none. There *may* be a chance that I’ll be able to change that next year (Vancouver, I’m coming for you!).

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Direction. Patience. Motivation. Local friends I can just…call up to hang out with. (and I wouldn’t say no to a little more money either).

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Like I remember dates. HA! But I will remember these events: BlogHer, specifically the Operation Glory flashmob & reading this post at the Listen To Your Mother open mic event, for how awesome it was to put myself out there. The day I got my promotion because it justified all the hard work I’ve done. This moment with my sweet little boy because it was so adorable. My fifth wedding anniversary, because hey VEGAS! The earthquake/tsunami in Japan for being so terrifying. The 10th anniversary of 9/11 for being so heartbreaking. The power outage in San Diego for really making me question what we’d REALLY do in a major emergency.  Halloween, because DAMN is that kid of mine adorable. This day at the beach in October, for the pure joy and fun of the day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year??

Losing 20 pounds (I lost a few more pounds after that post was written). Launching several big digital products at work. Solving a problem at work that has been around for at least 7 years. Surviving the trip to Texas with Jackson.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I think most of my biggest failures are all about other people. I know I failed at being the parent I want to be a lot of the time. I know I failed at being the wife I want a lot of the time. And I know I’ve not been the best daughter, friend, or relative that one could ask for.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Well, let’s just say I put my kid in daycare and leave it at that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New iPhone. A Nook (yes, I’ve only had it for 3 days and I already think it’s that great). A partially new wardrobe.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Rent. Daycare. Gas. Groceries (dudes, feeding this family of 3 people and 2 animals is WAY more expensive than it should be).

13. What did you get really excited about?

Watching my kiddo grow and learn and thrive. That sounds really cheesy, but there is something sooo cool about watching his brain switch on and start to make connections. I mean, it helps that I think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, but even still, I think it’s so cool to watch him learn to talk, to jump, to sing, to whistle (ok, maybe not that one yet)! And calling me Momma? That was pretty awesome.

Meeting bloggers. Seriously, all my excitement about every major blogging event was about meeting bloggers I love online. I can only hope I get to do more of that in 2012.

I’ll also say that starting to write more (and connect more) about being a working mom was really, really exciting for me. It really started with this post, but every time I find myself writing about being a working mom, I feel a weight lift and a little bit more of me shine through in this space–and that’s exciting.

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Pumped Up Kicks (seriously, how much have I heard that song this year? ) and You’ve Got a Friend in Me from Toy Story.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:?

– happier or sadder?  about the same
– thinner or fatter? thinner
– richer or poorer? poorer (see also: daycare).

16. What do you wish you’d done more of??

In real life: Laughed. Talked. Read. Gone out with my husband. Slept.

In blogland: Written more about publishing like I keep promising. Made more out of Noodle Knobs, which I love and think deserves WAY more than what I’ve been able to give it. Been better about doing more of the things I like and less of the things I feel like I *should* do.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of??

Worried. Snapped. Got frustrated. Yelled. Cared about other people’s opinions. Coveted stuff I can’t have. Watched bad tv.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With family here in San Diego. Christmas with a toddler is pretty cool actually.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

A lot of my favorites have been kind of lackluster this year, but I admit I’m really like Up All Night, Walking Dead, and I still love the fun silliness of Burn Notice. I’m really hoping that Project Runway All-Stars doesn’t suck as much as this last season did. And can we get Mad Men BACK already?

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

The Hunger Games series. Bossypants. The Art of Fielding.

21. What was your favorite music from this year??

Again, I’m gonna cheat and say pretty much anything from the Sirius Alt Nation station. I also will admit to loving (and hating myself for loving) Moves Like Jagger. I know, I know. You can disown me now.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

The final Harry Potter. Super 8 was pretty fun. Man, we really just didn’t see that many movies this year that weren’t animated…

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32, and my husband and I took the afternoon off to meander around like we had not a care in the world (and no kid in tow). We held hands and had NO agenda, and it was awesome. (we also had drinks and snacks, so it was nice in multiple ways.)

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think if I could have lightened up on myself, that would have been SUPER. AT work, at home, in finances, in everything…I blamed myself for a lot, which only created this tension in my own head a lot.

And of course, more free time would have been great, as would more money.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Getting there. I’m starting to realize that I’m mostly a pretty classic/safe dresser, but that I love having little surprises–zebra striped sequined flats, a bottle cap belt, feather earrings, etc. I’m hoping to continue to build an actual WARDROBE in 2012.

26. What kept you sane?

My husband (except when he was driving me insane). My kid (except when he made me mental). This blog. Sleep.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.?

Learning to say YES is just as important as learning to say No. You’re much more likely to get a great memory if you say YES occasionally.

(if you made it to the end of this epic beast, you seriously deserve a prize. SHEESH how did this get to almost 1500 words???)