Ramble Ramble

Ok, I know in my last post I said I was going to post today about the practical part of traveling without the kid, but that’s going to have to wait for a few days.

Today, I need to talk about dreams. Fulfillment. Happiness.

I’ve never been one who had some big dream about what I wanted to do with my life, professionally. I kind of fell into my career by way of I was an English major and had to figure out some way to pay the bills. Somehow I ended up in publishing. And from there, I ended up in marketing. I’ve been doing that since my senior year of college, in one form or another. I even moved to New York to further my publishing career (for anyone not aware, all but a very few of the “big” book publishers are based in NYC).

However, after a few years I realized that New York was not for me. And while I enjoyed my job, and the books I worked on, and the celebrities I got to meet, I realized that it wasn’t enough to continue living in that city. I learned about myself that no job satisfaction was worth being miserable in the REST of my life. And so, we picked up and moved across the country.

When we moved, I resigned myself to a career that wasn’t in publishing. There’s not too much in that field in San Diego, so I was prepared to take a job in marketing, and call it a day. But somehow, I ended up in one of the only publishing jobs to be found out here. And while the books I work on now aren’t as glamorous as the ones I worked on in New York, they’re still books. Being a small company, I’ve had my hands in every aspect of marketing and publicity that we do here. I run a small department, where we all do about 4 different jobs, and I run it pretty well. I’m damn good at my job, and I pride myself on that.

But I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with my professional life. I find myself envying, for the first time ever, those people I know who are freelancers or contract workers. Those people who get to set their own goals, and bust their asses for their own dreams. Those people who get to push themselves into whatever new direction their business leads them. Those people who don’t have to play the games that come with working in a big company. Those people who call their own shots.

I’ve tried offering up ways to my boss, however small, that I could get a little closer to professional fulfillment. But I keep getting shot down by the folks higher up the chain (not my boss, she’s awesome. Just restricted like me). I’ve tried creating parts of my job, however small, that make me excited and stoked to come to work in the morning. But they keep getting given to other people once I’ve made them successful. I keep trying and they keep putting up road blocks.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be one of those people who becomes a soulless entity because her job is sucking the life out of her. I want to be passionate about my job again. I want to be excited to sit down and do my work, at least some of the time. If I’m going to deal with the commute, and the people, and the being away from the baby–shouldn’t it occasionally make me fill fulfilled?

A new year, a new set of goals. Woot. My goals for 2010 can pretty much all be summed up under one banner phrase:

“Get off yer ass” (GOYA)

2009 was a wonderful year in many, many ways, but it was also one of the most sedentary years in my 30 year life. I didn’t move much, get out much, do much, try much. I basically sat a whole hell of a lot. 2010 needs to be different. Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Get moving. I’ve not been shy about my laziness. I am lazy. I would rather sit and watch tv (or movies or video games) than do a lot. It’s easy, and painless, and hey, sitting is nice. But I’m starting to feel achy all the time. I mean, yeah, there’s the stairs I go up and down a zillion times a day. And the lifting of the 15 lb. offspring is a nicer way to lift weights than lifting weights. But the achiness, and back pain, and all that other unfun stuff could be greatly helped by just generally getting off my ass and doing…anything that requires movement. I’m not going to promise exercise (though I hope to throw that in occasionally), but I’m at least hoping to do things like take the kid out for walks, and go to Balboa Park, and maybe do an easy hike or two. Once the weather is warmer some swimming, both at the beach and at the pool. Nothing crazy, but for heaven’s sake, I need to MOVE.
2. Spend time with friends. It’s really easy for me to let my friendships lapse (see: lazy). I’m horrible about it because so often I don’t want to DO anything. And now with the kid, it’s really easy to just think–holy hell, this is such an ordeal to either take the kid or find a babysitter for the kid, schedule around his naps/feedings, figure out if I can have a drink, are we going somewhere that’s kid friendly, oh I don’t have anything to talk about but the kid and that’s got to be boring for everyone but me, etc. But honestly, I’m kinda lonely. I love my husband, don’t get me wrong, and we’re great friends, but hey it’s nice to have relationships with other people you know? So I’m just making it a goal to get off my ass and make an effort on this one.
3. Make new friends. Not that I don’t love my current friends, but 1)my closest friends don’t live in San Diego, so it’d be nice to have some girlfriends locally and 2)it would be awesome to have a friend or two who has kids around Jackson’s age that we could hang out with without feeling weird about the kid. I don’t know how to go about meeting these people, but I’ve really got to try. Anyone have suggestions?
4. Get back to photography. I really let my photography lapse in 09. To the point that I don’t remember how any of the settings on my camera work. Lame.  That is purely from lack of doing. So I’m going to get off my ass and start taking photos again. For the reals this time. And not just of the kid (though he will of course feature heavily in my photos), but of other interesting things too. I started taking photos as a creative outlet for me, and I want to get back to it.
5. Do things with my husband and kid. Between N.C. being a workaholic and me being lazy, we don’t do a lot. We sit around the house on weekends, and lounge in our PJ’s. Which has its place, particularly after stressful weeks. But I want to experience things with my family, not just watch TV with them. I want us to go places and do things and try things. I want the kid to learn to be comfortable out and about and around people. I want us to be comfortable taking the kid out and about and around people. That is going to take a real commitment on my part, because it’s way too easy to fall into the “I’m tired and deserve time off” trap, where all of a sudden, every night and every weekend is forfeited to lounging around.  My goal is two weekends a month we go do….something. Whether it’s going out with friends, or going to the park, or taking trips, or visiting family, or…whatever it is, I don’t want our lives to be spent just observing life.

So there you have my goals for 2010. It’s time for me to make an effort to get up off my ass, and start doing. And hey, if I’m successful, I also get blog content, so it’s a win-win!

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

As 2009 comes to a close, it’s time for a little reflection on whether I achieved the goals I set for myself in 2009. I posted those goals in January, and I think it’s time to see how I did. My own little personal performance review, laid out for the whole world to see.

• Be a grownup about my health. Ok, I did great at this one. Now I attribute that ENTIRELY to being pregnant for the majority of the year–the prenatal care thing kind of forces your hand with doctor visits and all. I still need a primary care physician, but I can say with certainty that I’m healthy, I understand my health insurance (!), and I feel a responsibility now with the kid to stay healthy for us both.
• Be more realistic about finances. I did great with this one too. I’ll credit some of this to the kid as well–I knew I wanted to take my full 3 months of available maternity leave, which required thinking through our finances verrrrrry carefully. 3 months without full income made us very realistic about our finances, which is all for the better. We are in a good spot now, for a variety of reasons, but the best part of all is having my head wrapped around our financial situation for the first time, like, ever.
• Learn more about photography and photoshop. Yeah, so this one. Um, not so much. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve forgotten everything I once knew about photography, and my camera, and let’s not even get started on photoshop shall we? I utterly and completely FAIL at this goal. BUT, I’m getting the itch once again and have some ideas on how to make this happen in 2010. It’s not a hobby thrown to the wolves folks, just one that got waylaid in 09.
• Find some additional income sources. Well, this didn’t happen either. But in retrospect, I’m ok with that. I bring home the bacon every payday–that’s enough. I have a full time job, and some hobbies and a baby–I think I’m pulling my weight. If the opportunity arises someday to do some outside projects for cashola, then fantastic. But otherwise, I’m not really going to worry about it.
• Grow this blog, and all the networks associated with it. This is the one that I think hurts the most. I love this blog and have let it go to shameful waste over the last year. I let all the groups and networks and people and connections that I had started to build fall by the wayside of my pregnancy (and the resulting sloth). I stopped commenting on blogs–though I swear I still read more than I should have time for!–and stopped responding to people who commented on my blog. I stopped being part of various communities. And the thing that sucks the most about it all, is this is the place for ME–so it mirrors how I let ME go over the year. I got sucked into the vacuum of being pregnant, as did everything around me. I  vow that this will be different next year. So yeah, 2010–you’re MINE!
• Refocus my career. I somehow managed to do this. Not to brag, but I’m kind of a rock star at work. I’m leading my company forward into the digital age. I created a social media program from nothing. I’m reworking how we do just about everything in marketing in my company. I’m building my “brand” at work, and have been absolutely thrilled with how I’ve done. I came back from maternity leave, scared of not being needed anymore, to find that they really couldn’t cope well without me. I kind of kick ass at my job, and that makes me feel all “I am woman, hear me roar”ish.
• Travel. Well, we got in one little trip to Chicago this summer, which I guess is more than normal. It wasn’t quite as much as I was hoping for, but at least it was something, right?

Hmmm. Overall, I’d say that it’s not too horrible, but there’s room for improvement. I could cop out and say that the ones I failed at were a result of the pregnancy/baby brain, but while that may be somewhat true, I knew it was happening and let it happen. I let myself go a little, which I intend to rectify in ‘10. I’m already working on my goals for the next year in my head, which you know I’ll post as soon as I’ve got them figured out. I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year, and I can’t wait to see what it brings!

So I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Actually, I’m a little under my pre-preg weight, and have been for a little over a month. But before you’re all, “woohoo, yay you!”, I must clarify…

I may be at that number, but I am a looooong way from that body. This new body is squishy, and jiggly, and mushy all around my middle section. If I laugh too hard, my belly feels like that line from ‘Twas the Night before Christmas…you know the one:

He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Yeah, never really thought I’d know exactly what a bowlful of jelly feels like. I need to work out, I know that’s the cure, but I still get worn out and hurt if I overdo it. Not to say I shouldn’t be doing something (well, something more than the million trips up and down the stairs I make everyday), but it’s not like I’m able to do an hour on the elliptical to really get some cardio going. And forget about ab workouts–that just flat out makes my eyes water with pain. I know some people are able to handle ab workouts right after a c-section, but I obviously am not one of them.

So yeah, the number on the scale is back to where it was a year ago, but NONE of my clothes fit me. I could technically get in my old jeans, if it weren’t for the fact that they hurt my incision something wicked. Add in my ginormo breastfeeding boobs, and you’ve got a closet full of nothing to wear. I can’t wear my old clothes cuz they’re too small, and I can’t even get away with my maternity clothes because they’re all too BIG.

Unfortunately for me, though, I go back to work in two weeks. Two weeks, and I have approximately 1 outfit I can get away with at work. Which means I need to go shopping! On the one hand, that’s just what you want when your body isn’t at its best, to spend money on new clothes that you’re hoping won’t fit you in a few short months. But on the other…it’s been what feels like a really long time since I felt like I look presentable, between the old pregnant whale who couldn’t wear shoes and the post-partum mommy who never leaves the house. So there’s a part of me that is looking forward to at least looking put together, and maybe even…pretty?

So here’s my question kids…given that I don’t want to (and can’t) spend a fortune, and given that I’m not exactly what you would call svelte at the moment, and given that I could really use the personal boost of looking nice at work 5 days a week….where does one shop? I need enough clothes to get through 5 days at work–I don’t mind repeating my wardrobe week to week–but I definitely don’t have a big budget for that, probably no more than a couple hundred dollars (including shoes, since my feet have also gone up in size). I’ve looked at Old Navy (their stuff never fit me well even in the pre-squishy days), Target (same), and a little bit at Khol’s (which is hit or miss for me style wise). What other places are there for business casual, non-teenage body types on a budget?

I’m in a blogging rut. Well, not so much a rut as an identity crisis…and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it for the time being.

Right now, the majority of my world is comprised of baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby. I mean, it makes sense–I’ve got a newborn, I’m staying home from work, I don’t have a lot of outside world interaction most days. Even when I talk to people in the “outside world” they want to hear about the baby, or how we’re doing with the baby, or how I feel about when I have to leave the baby. And even if they don’t, I don’t have a whole lot besides baby to add to the conversation (unless you want to talk about TV, that’s about my only adult contribution at the moment). I’m tired, a little cut off from the grown up world, removed from my job, and spend the majority of my day with a being who’s not the greatest conversationalist (yet). On top of that, most of my thoughts right now are about being a mom, about the kid, about how our lives have changed, yadda yadda yadda.

But it feels weird to me to blog only about the kid. I don’t FEEL like a mommy blogger, but that’s where my head is right now. I know a lot (maybe even most) of my readers don’t have kids, so I know there’s some relatability that’s being lost. But then, this blog is about my life, and the kid is my life right now, so there’s that.

Like I said, I think it’s an identity crisis, brought on by the circumstances of my life right now. I KNOW that there will come a time when I’m not so immersed in everything baby all the time (like when I go back to work most likely), but for now it feels weird to be in this place, and to have this blog be so…singleminded. I can’t really fight it, I’ve been trying and that just leads to little to no posting, so I’m just going to go with my identity crisis and see where it takes me.