The broken things

by Ginger on January 29, 2017

in Random

Our tv is broken.

We don’t really know what’s wrong with, it, so we spent some time today talking about whether to get it fixed, how much we’d be willing to spend on a fix before just buying a new one, do we really have that money in the budget right now, etc. My husband even took the damn thing apart to test voltage and stuff, to see where the problems might be and if they were fixable.

And the entire time, there was a portion of my brain that wasn’t involved in the conversation, but instead was just screaming in horror at what’s happening in my country.

That happened a lot today. It’s happened a lot this week, if I’m honest, and in the weeks before this week, and in the months leading up to this week, but today…today was one of the worst.

Every single thing I did today had a simultaneous horrified scream running at the same time. Sometimes it would break off & I’d start having the beginnings of very inarticulate arguments with…the world? I guess?…but even those just eventually devolved into the horror.

I played with my kid, and went and met up with friends, and washed dishes, and went to the grocery store, and fed the pets, and clenched my teeth a lot and tried not to cry a lot and wondered how far down this horrible hole we’ll fall and yeah, that horrified scream was my constant companion today.

I don’t know how to make people who don’t see the horrors actually see the horrors. I know there are those of you who will read this who don’t see anything wrong with what’s going on, and I don’t know how to make you seeeeeeee what I see. I’m not articulate enough, and we don’t agree, at a deep, deep, fundamental level and so I can’t make you understand why I’ve been on the edge of tears for months, and why I’ve woken up every day this week with a stomach ache, and why I’m deeply, deeply afraid of the world that is building up around us. I can’t make you see why this is different than it’s been in the past. We are on the road to repeating history, and not the good parts. I’m watching us break things that I don’t know if we can fix again, and I feel so helpless. I can give money (I am), I can call my elected officials (I am), I can work with other like-minded people to see what we can do (I am), but it feels like throwing pebbles against a steel door.

Life, for now, continues for my family. Tomorrow I’ll do laundry and go to the grocery store and help my kiddo get ready for the next school week and deal with some job stuff and maybe we’ll figure out what to do with this broken tv.

If only it was as easy to figure out how to take care of what else is being broken.

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