What Would I Do, If I Could?

by Ginger on November 20, 2013

in Becoming Myself

Sometimes I wish I could shut off the part of my brain that over analyzes things in my personal life to the point of paralysis. I wonder sometimes what all I would do if I could move past the fear or nervousness or whatever it is that keeps me from doing…whatever it is that it keeps me from doing.

Things like…getting a tattoo. I’ve had the idea of what I would get for almost a year now, and I know right where I’d get it. But I’m afraid it’s going to hurt. Or that it will hinder my career. Or that I’ll regret it. Or that the tattoo artist will mess it up. Or that it won’t heal right. So it stays in my head instead of ending up on my body.

Things like…living abroad. I think it would be fascinating and enlightening and amazing to live in another country. I also think it would be terrifying and lonely and far away from my family and too many logistical nightmares. So it remains a daydream rather than something to go after.

Things like…joining a roller derby league. I think it would be fun and crazy and outside my comfort zone in good ways. I also know I’m a total klutz, and am fairly confident I would end up hurting myself on the regular. So it stays a bizarre passing thought that I’ll never pursue.

It’s not even that those things make me afraid, exactly (although the fear of pain is pretty real). Instead it’s that it’s easier, safer, more comfortable, less challenging, etc., to not do those things. It’s easier to toe the line than it is to step over the line, you know?

But sometimes I do wish I could shut all of that off, and just…do things, without second guessing, without fear of judgment, without worrying about what others/the world/myself will think of it all later. And maybe someday I will. Maybe someday, I’ll stop worrying, and just do.

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Prompt from Bring Back the Words, Week 23

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