I turned 33 a month ago, an age that should fully put me in the grown up category.
And yet, I still feel most days like I’m a kid playing pretend. I don’t know if that ever goes away–clearly progressing in my career, becoming a manager, having to pay bills, getting married, moving across country, doing my taxes, & having a kid haven’t made me feel grown up. And I say this as someone who has always been a bit of an “old soul.” If *I* feel this way, I can’t imagine how people who have always felt young at heart feel.
Every year, it seems like something happens, or we do something, that tries to drive the message of adulthood home even more. For example, right now we’re going through the process to try and get life insurance. I’ve got life insurance from work, but N.C. doesn’t have anything, and what I have at work will POOF disappear if this job ever disappears. So, time to grow up, call the insurance agent, and get going. We had our physicals this morning, complete with blood draws & weight checks & such…and yet it still just feels like pretend.
Another thing we’re starting to work on is some financial planning. REAL financial planning, not just “hey does my job have a 401k?” We’re meeting with someone in a few weeks to help us figure out some short and long term goals & how to get there. We’re looking at the future, and the financials, and seeing how it all works.
And yet I still feel like a kid, playing dress up.
It blows my mind sometimes that *I’M* the responsible party now. I mean, I’ve been responsible for a long time–I was never a really frivolous, frippery kind of person–but now I’m THE responsible one. I’m the one signing paperwork for finances, for insurance, for another PERSON.
THIS BLOWS MY MIND.
Life sort of just keeps moving forward, and it’s clear that I’m going with it. But sometimes I look up and feel like I was only just 12 and suddenly I blinked and I’m this adult. I don’t feel young, and I don’t feel old, but I DEFINITELY don’t feel grown up. And don’t misunderstand–I’m not upset by this lack of feeling. I think in a weird way it helps to give me perspective on both my youth and on things like aging & death. In a way, I have to wonder if I ever DO feel like a grownup, if that will be the end of entirely too many ways of thinking about the world and my place in it than I’m comfortable with. Does the fact that I still FEEL like a kid help keep me from becoming too jaded by the world?
(whew, that’s probably a little more philosophical than I really was ready to dive into on a Thursday).
Anyway, yeah. On the outside, I’m doing lots of growing up these days. But just know that I feel like it’s all a big game of pretend. How about you?
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