Sometimes it surprises me how little angst I feel these days about being a working mom.
I mean, I get sad at the idea of missing some things, and I get frustrated by the lack of options for activities that working parents can get involved in (yes, I’m talking to you gymnastics school that only has ONE session that is not between the hours of 10-3 M-F), and I get overwhelmed at times by the LOGISTICS of it all. And I’m sure those conflicts & those emotions will only continue as we get into the school years more.
But I don’t feel angst about it anymore.
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m coming into my role of motherhood more, but I feel at ease with this position. I don’t question my ability to be a good mom and a good employee. I don’t feel worried about what my son is or isn’t missing by me being at work. And mostly, I don’t beat myself up anymore for the role I play.
It’s with all truthfulness that I say “I work because I am the primary breadwinner & so there is no other option.” But as Jackson has gotten older, I realize…I don’t really think I’d be a good long-term stay at home mom (omg, I’m not sure we would have survived two had I been at home with him), so my answer is also in all truthfulness “I work because it is right for me.” And I don’t feel bad about feeling that way, because I feel at peace with believing that I am important as a person, not just as Jackson’s mom.
Do I wish there was more flexibility in my job to be able to do more with my boy? Of COURSE I do. It frustrates me to no end that telecommuting is such a no-no in my company, and that we aren’t allowed to create a flex schedule, and that I still lose anywhere from 1-2.5 hours commuting. But even with that, I’m lucky in that my boss is very understanding of things like, “School drop-off took longer than expected, so I’m running late, but I’ll make up this 30 minutes by working from home tonight after the kid goes to bed.” I have less flexibility than I’d like, but more than a lot of people have, so I’ll take what I can get.
At the end of the day, even with my wishes & frustrations, I’m ok with my “working mom” title. I no longer feel a tug on my heart when I think about that, and being able to release that angst? Has helped me to be a better worker, and a better mom.
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