In My Head, In My Heart

by Ginger on April 22, 2011

in Becoming Myself

In my head, I want to be the kind of mom who does crafts and creates fun little traditions and marks every milestone in some special way. But in my heart, that’s not me. I’m not that mom.

In my head, I want to be the wife who is suzy homemaker, cleaning, cooking, baking so that our house is always filled with fresh linens, clean floors and the smell of baking cookies. But in my heart, that’s not me. I’m not that wife.

In my head, I want to be the career woman who does business lunches and networking events with ease, who climbs the ladder with ease and smashes the glass ceilings on her way. But in my heart, that’s not me. I’m not that career woman.

In my head, I want to be that friend that everyone calls on, who is perfect at remembering birthdays and anniversaries, and who calls “for no reason.” But in my heart, that’s not me. I’m not that friend.

In my head, I want to be lots of things. I want to be the image of things I have always seen, and admired, and seen other people admire. But in my heart…well, that’s the real me. I’m a horrible homemaker. I’m the opposite of crafty. I’m bad at remembering birthdays. I’m not climbing anything (but the walls) with ease these days.

But I am a great mom, even if I’m a little more “oh shoot, WHEN is Easter?” than “oh look at my fabulous Easter decorations that we created and decorated with months ago.”

I’m a loving wife, even if I’m more “eh it’s clean enough” than I am “honey, I spent the day scrubbing the floors.”

I’m a good employee, even if I’m more “I come in and do my job–well–and then go home” than I am “whatever it takes to make it to the top.”

I love my friends, even if I’m more “oh shit, I totally forgot to mail your birthday card” than I am “6 months from now is your birthday, let’s plan it now!”

Sometimes I need to shut the images in my head off. I can’t live up to them all. Sometimes I need to work more on getting closer to living up to them. Sometimes I need to let them go. Sometimes I need to recognize that I need to be the wife, mom, friend, employee that I am…not some magical mythical one in my head. Sometimes I need to realize that while I can always use work–the me that IS is a pretty damn good starting point.

Carolyn (temysmom) April 22, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Perfect. I think we all get caught up thinking we should be doing more or we should be better. We’re all different and have different talents and skills and sometimes just being who we are is enough.

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 9:53 pm

It’s hard to remember sometimes, but important to remember that we are who we are–and while there can always be room for self-improvement, we are also the best ones for our families.

alicia p April 22, 2011 at 1:27 pm

thank you for posting this. i have this constant inner monologue going on as well. i am not a mother or a wife… but a girlfriend and i feel like i fail at it miserably. i want to be the perfect little homemaker and i am having a hard time realizing that i am just not that person. oy! i know there is no one’s standards i have to live up to other then my own and my guys and that i need to stop worrying about keeping up with the martha stewarts but its such an appealing persona. but if we were that perfect all the time, then life would be boring…right?!!? 🙂

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 9:57 pm

I think we all feel this sometimes, whatever it is: girlfriend, wife, mother, daughter, employee, etc. It’s so hard not to compare ourselves to others! But I’m trying to learn that I’m enough as I am. Most of the time 🙂

AmyLynn April 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I think this was beautifully said.

I am sure there are an equal number of things that you master.

For certain you are an excellent blogger!

that is all

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Aw, thank you!

emily @ the happy home April 22, 2011 at 1:41 pm

i know what you mean. i’m not a mom yet, but i know for a fact that unless i’m a stay-at-home, i could never be that kind of wife & mother. and let’s face it– in LA, i won’t be a stay-at-home.

even as a not-mom, i can’t find the time to decorate the house and bake as much as i’d like to. who are these women? do they sleep? do they live on coffee and clif bars?

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 9:59 pm

HA! Coffee and clif bars! HA!

I’m not sure they do sleep. Or maybe they craft in their sleep?

Alexis April 22, 2011 at 2:14 pm

The inner monologue of “not good enough” does need to take a hike. Thank you for this, it comes at a perfect time for me and reminds me of when Chris once told me “instead of focusing on what you feel you did not do, look at what you actually did.” Um…duh. Even when we think we are not being perfect, odds are we are being just what we need to be at that time. /deepthoughts

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Why is it that it seems like women focus on the “didn’t” and the guys focus on the “did”? My husband is the same way…and sometimes I just don’t understand how he thinks that way FIRST, when I have to force myself to think that way.

kate April 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm

beautiful post. And, you are right – embrace who you are, because YOU are amazing!

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I’m trying to learn that I’m the perfect person for the people in my life. Even if I’m not Martha, I’m right for my family as is.

Becky April 22, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Oh, thank you for writing this post! It’s been a “day” for me, and to hear that other moms want to be more but know they are just right for their families is what I needed to hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I’m so glad this resonated with you! I think we all need to learn that we’re the perfect fit for OUR lives and families!

[another] Ginger April 24, 2011 at 11:04 am

Well said, and as with most stuff you write, I can totally relate. I find that blogging makes these feelings even more intense… the feelings that I’m not doing enough while watching all the moms that do. Then I have to remind myself of the stuff that I am doing, that they may not. And both situations are okay.

Happy Easter!

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Yeah, sometimes blogging doesn’t help…especially the lifestyle blogs that look so polished and put together. I have to remind myself that a blog post is a speck in a day/week/whatever, and even the lifestyle bloggers have probably got a sink full of dishes sometimes!

Jennie April 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I loved this post so much.

Sue April 27, 2011 at 11:20 am

Thank you for this, it really spoke to me.

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I’m so glad! (and I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one!).

Danielle April 27, 2011 at 10:14 pm

This covers what so many women feel. It’s such a battle to be super woman. And there’s always something that I wish I could do better. I kicked and fought and screamed for months before giving in before getting a cleaning service because I was ashamed that I didn’t have enough time to clean my own house. (Regardless of the number of times during the weekend that I say to my stepkids, “I’m a lawyer, not a maid.”) There’s simply never enough time. What I wouldn’t give for just one extra day to catch up on emails to friends and family…

Ginger April 27, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Superwoman has some impossible freaking shoes to fill. And yet, even though intellectually I always say “oh no, I’m not trying to do it all”…well, obviously there’s a part of me that is trying to do it all.

Why couldn’t the thing I internalize my whole life be “exercise regularly” rather than “try to do it all?”

Heather April 29, 2011 at 11:13 am

Thanks for letting it be okay to just be me, and to know that I can strive to be better, but I don’t have to strive to be something I am not.

Jill Browning August 10, 2011 at 6:42 am

This is great. Thanks for pointing it out in your BlogHer post. I can definitely relate.

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