Damn you Anne Shirley

by Ginger on March 13, 2010

in Becoming Myself

I was recently doing some cleaning up of the drafts folder of my blog–you know, deleting the drafts that just had a title but I couldn’t remember what they meant, or the drafts with just a string of words that were obviously meant to be reminders when I finally got around to writing the post but now might as well be an ancient language for all I understand what I meant.

Anyway, I came across this draft that I wrote when I was starting this blog. I never posted it because I didn’t think kicking the blog off on such a random downer note was a good idea. But honestly, this post is part of the origin of this blog, and as such, I thought it’d be fun to read it now, a year and 1/2 later. So enjoy me, circa August 08.

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About a month ago, I set out to re-read the Anne of Green Gables series in honor of the 100 year anniversary of Miss Anne’s arrival in the world. I loved the books as a kid, a teenager, in college, and since I love re-reading comforting old books, it seemed like the perfect summertime activity.

And oh, how it was. Anne was there, just as I remembered her, with all her scrapes and shenanigans and imaginings and whatnot. And her loyalty, and spunk, and friendship, and honesty, and love, and personality. And I loved reading them again.

But something was brewing. Reading the first one sparked a minor twinge in me, a wistfulness I didn’t know how to place. And as I read each subsequent book, it grew stronger and stronger and stronger until I finally realized what it was.

Anne Shirley was making me feel bad about myself.

I know, how lame huh? This kid’s book character making me feel bad about myself? What’s that about? I sure as hell didn’t know, exactly, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. Finally, a few days later, I figured it out.

Anne, though she’s just a character, had such spunk, and personality, and you just KNEW who she was reading those books. And the more I knew who she was, the more I knew that I DIDN’T know who I was.

WTF?

Here is this character who is supremely unique. And people want to know her. And people can’t forget her. And people all remember her laugh, and her spark, and her joy. And, in contrast, sometimes I forget myself—so how memorable must I be to other people?

Yeah, yeah, wah-wah. Poor baby. But it just put this thought in my head that I’m not…visible. I’m not memorable. I don’t have a spark, and haven’t for a while. And while I’ve never craved celebrity, or fame, I don’t want to pass this life as an invisible player.  But then, WHAM, the idea for this blog started brewing, and brewing and brewing. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, contemplating it, wishing for it a little bit-a place for me to discover that person I want to be. A place to be visible.

And so, a month later, here we are, at the corner of insecure and narcissistic. We’ll see where I go with it, but at least I feel energized, for the first time in a long time, about something I’m doing 100% for me.

Dana March 13, 2010 at 7:43 pm

We are totally on the same wave length.
Can I just tell you, it is no wonder we were ever friends?!!Are you watching Little Women right now?! I am.

The last time I read your blog it was the one about your favorite things, and just the day before I had finished a list of 100 things that make me happy!
Then, today I read this one. I just watched all of the Anne movies this week. My school scedule doesn’t give much time for extra reading, so I chose the movies. Gotta love Anne though!

You are definately memorable. I think of you often. I think a lot of people would agree that you are a “lead by example” kinda girl and not easily forgotten.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our day to day lives and we forget that people DO have their own perceptions of us.

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