The first cut is the deepest

by Ginger on November 25, 2009

in Oh Baby!, The 9-5, Working Mom

Day three of my return to work, and I haven’t cried today–victory!

Ok, only sort of. Monday pretty much sucked. I cried getting ready, I cried pulling out of the drive way, I cried on the freeway, and then I spent the rest of the day trying not to cry every time someone asked me “how are you doing?” or “do you miss him already?” I’d get myself calmed, and focused on something else (like a new computer that needed to be set up, or 3 months of emails, or the urgent thing that needed to be reviewed right away), and then someone would ask how I was doing and I’d have to fight, HARD, not to break down.

Add in the drama of figuring out the hows, and whens, and whatnot of pumping (oh, let me tell you how much I already hate, hate, hate pumping. That’s another post for another day though), which then left me trying to focus on the kid to help things along, and it was an exhausting day. I was never so glad to get home to a screaming baby who needed me (at least for his dinner).

Tuesday didn’t start out much better…I was teary on the drive to work, and at a coworker’s birthday breakfast everyone kept asking the same questions (was it hard? did you miss him? don’t you wish you could be with him? Um, folks seriously, you’re not helping). I was worried it would be another day of emotional beat-down.

But then, something came up. A project that was supposed to be taken care of while I was out on leave didn’t get done and was stalled, and I basically had to come in and save the day. And it felt great.

It felt great to know that I’m still needed here.

It felt great to know that I’m still good at my job.

It felt great to have something to think about besides Jackson.

It felt great to use that part of my brain.

And while it didn’t stop sucking that I’m not able to be with the kid, I was able to give myself a break by doing my job.

Today is…ok. I can’t allow myself to keep thinking about what I’m going to miss with the kid–I’m going to kill myself slowly if I keep that up. I wallowed last week, I wallowed on Monday, but I can’t keep wallowing. There’s no other options for me–I have to work, I have to have the paycheck and the benefits, and I can’t do it at home, so this is what it is. I need to soak that lesson in and make it my own: this is what it is and there is nothing else I can do about it, so I need to figure out how to move forward.

Do I think I’m “over it”? Not a chance. It still hits me at moments, and I’m sure that will continue throughout Jackson’s little life. I’m going to miss things in his life and that’s going to suck. But since I don’t have any other options, I’m trying to find ways to move past the heartache and into a space where I’m ok with this. I’m doing what I have to do for our family, so I’ve got to suck it up and move forward.

And I get to come home to this:

img_0188

And I’m thankful for that.

P.S. We’re flying today for the first time with the kid. Wish us luck (and non-sicky sick folks in the flying tin can to germ up my baby who can’t get flu shots)!

lisa November 25, 2009 at 12:59 pm

OMG the cuteness!!!!

Sarah November 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Such a cute baby! I love the I <3 Mommy tee. Boo to going back to work. I dread going back to work myself. I hope it gets easier for you. I have a feeling I am going to have to cover my desk in photos of my wee one to get through the day.

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