by Ginger on November 18, 2008

in Blogging & Social Media

Today is BlogSecret day. When Nilsa over at SoMi asked whether any bloggers would like the chance to anonymously post their secret somewhere else in the world wide web, the response was pretty incredible. I believe close to 80 bloggers took her up on the offer. My secret is buried somewhere within the list of those blogs over at SoMi. You should make sure to check the other participants…there are secrets about sex, family, work, money and more.

So the words below aren’t mine, they’re the secret of someone else in the blogging world. I don’t know who wrote it, but it’s posted exactly as it was sent to me, with no edits or changes. The person who wrote it has been told it’s here, so any comments you leave can be read by the author (since you guys are wonderful commenters, I know they don’t have anything to be scared of). I hope this person feels a weight lifted from doing this project. I know I did.


Then and Now

I wake up and close my eyes again, savoring the flash of what just was, caught in the moment between sleep and awake. My skin is still warm from the memory of his big calloused hands touching me. His familiar lips touch my skin and my joyful heart beats faster with the thought of being reunited. I relive how easily it was to talk. How easily we came back together. I smile.

I had hoped. I had prayed.

I roll over. I snuggle into the man I now love. He squeezes me tight. Guilt overcomes me as I realize that I so thoroughly enjoyed a dream about a man of the past, the man who taught me to love for the very first time. A pit forms in my stomach as I think about how wrong my thoughts are. My head stirs as I worry about what my heart is telling me.

“Dreams are just dreams,” I tell myself, half believing what I am saying. I force myself to instantly forget my fantasies of the night. He kisses me as he gets out of bed. He says, “I love you” as he climbs into the shower. I smile. I love him, too.

I stay in bed. Thinking. Replaying. Wondering what I would feel if I knew he, the man I go to bed next to each night and happily wake up with in the morning, savored dreams about a past love. I decide to forget it. To let it go. I remind myself that the past is the past and I must not talk of my dreams or of the hope and memories that jump out at the most surprising times.

The man of now and I walk into Subway, hand in hand, and as I look at a young couple standing together in line, I have a flashback from the past that startles me.

He had just finished his baseball game. We stood in line at Subway, waiting to order our ‘twin sandwiches’. We always ate at Subway and we always ordered the same thing. We thought it was cute. He was in his jersey and I was proud to be standing next to him in line. Our time was limited, as I would be leaving my baseball superstar in a few short hours to head back home. We ate our sandwiches. As I was climbing into my SUV, yelled my name, and smiled as he said, “I love you”. I have never felt more complete than in that moment. I smiled back at him, my heart overflowing and said, “I love you, too”.

The next few years were bliss. I was in love with a man who was in love with me. We were happy, drunk on love. We did everything and nothing with equal joy. Our long distance relationship provided for lots of cross-country drives. We would talk for hours in anticipation of seeing one another. We had that great love you read about. Our family and friends assumed ‘this was it’. And so did we.

I studied abroad and he stayed behind to play baseball. We looked forward to Christmas and being reunited. We sent cards and emails and texts. We spent hours on the phone, detailing the events of our day to one another. We both played “I Got You Babe” on repeat anytime we missed one another. We recited our ‘nighttime ritual’ twice a day, once when I went to bed and once, hours later, when he went to bed.

And then one day, he ended it.

My heart broke. I’d never known real sadness before. I struggled for days. I cried for days. I prayed a lot and reached out to anyone and everyone. I thrived on the hope of getting back together. I played it cool during our weekly phone conversations. I spent time with his family, hoping they would have some influence on his decisions. I was so sad.

In time, I found happiness again. I enjoyed each day and thought of him less and less. I met a man, a man who is now ‘my man’. It took time, but I fell in love again. I am so fortunate for the wonderful person I get to share my life with. My days are filled with laughs and love and hugs and kisses. I am happy and I am lucky and I am excited for what the future brings.

But some nights, as I lay in bed with heavy eyes, my mind replays moments from the past, moments from my first love. The first kiss and the first time we, and I, had ever had sex. A lot has changed since then. I have changed and he has changed and I know that. What was could never be again.

I love the man I am with. He brings so many good things to my life. But, when I am being honest with myself, when my thoughts and the memories flood my mind, I realize that I still love the him of then, too. I love the man who taught me what love is.

I love the him of then. I’ve loved him since that hot July day at Subway and I’m not sure how to make it stop.

I love the him of now. He is my best friend, my partner, and everything I had hoped for.

I hope it’s okay to love them both.

ExMi (expensivemistakescheapthrills) November 18, 2008 at 4:46 am

of course it’s okay. you never ever really forget, or fall out of love with your first love…

Nilsa November 18, 2008 at 5:59 am

Mainstream society dictates one love at a time. But, sometimes that’s just not possible. And so, while I cannot fathom thinking about past loves the way you do, I understand that it’s possible. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Sarah November 18, 2008 at 6:36 am

Although it’s got to be tough, you’ve got to consider yourself lucky that you’ve had two great loves in your life.

A lot of people don’t even get one.

-I survived BlogSecret ’08

Sarah´s last blog post..Blog Secret

Ginger November 18, 2008 at 10:50 am

Loving an old love and a current love is something society might look down on outwardly, but I’m pretty sure it happens to more people than not. And it seems like you recognize that you love them both, not one in place of the other.
Still, it’s got to be hard to carry that with you.

Cat November 18, 2008 at 1:12 pm

Great post! I think a lot of people have those thoughts and feelings. And as Sarah said, you’re lucky to have had them both. Thanks for sharing!

Cat´s last blog post..My Honeymoon (i.e., The Most Fun I’ve Ever Had With a Man I Hope Never to See Again)

mandy November 18, 2008 at 1:28 pm

That was a great post. Unfortunately there are no rules when it comes to love.

mandy´s last blog post..BlogSecret Day!

Anonymous November 18, 2008 at 1:46 pm

Anonymous Blog Secret Blogger here.

Thank you all for the nice comments! Oddly enough, re-reading this about two weeks after I wrote it has been interesting. To a point, I feel as if I am not reading my words, because I’m not sure that I feel the way those words express.

Maybe admitting some of these feelings has changed them; I’m not sure. I think writing this maybe gave me some sense of closure that I was unable to find in the two years since we broke up.

Or maybe I’m just going through a phase and a dream in a few weeks will drop me back into the ‘ex funk’. Regardless, thank you for reading! (And thank you, Ginger, for hosting!)

Liam November 18, 2008 at 1:52 pm

We don’t choose who we fall in love with… Love chooses us. It also chooses if it will ever let go. It’s ok. Love is love.

adriana November 18, 2008 at 3:43 pm

I think there are always people in our lives that we have a special place for, or a special love for. I don’t think you need to feel guilty for remembering your first love.

adriana´s last blog post..Blog Secret!

Kyla Bea November 18, 2008 at 5:20 pm

This is a hard one – I’ve been in that situation and I’ve found it helpful to frame my fondness for Him’s of the Past in that they’re my idea of who that person was, because I couldn’t imagine them leaving, but they did. So even if I’m fond of that person, I’m fond of a part of them, not all of them – and even then I’m fond of a part of a person from the distant past.

That tames those feelings – I can enjoy the dreaminess of those moments when and if they come, and I can also let them pass.

Beautifully written, thank you.

Kyla Bea´s last blog post..Blog Secret!

Princess Pointful November 18, 2008 at 9:01 pm

It is okay. One is the reason you love the other… you can’t separate these things!

Amandaa. November 19, 2008 at 10:12 am

Hey lil’ Secret Teller…
I loved this.
I feel you on this.

It stinks…it’s hard.
It feels wrong. But you
can’t help it.

I hope getting this out
makes you feel better.
Because you should.
You’re only human.

That’s what I tell myself.

Amandaa.´s last blog post..I’ll Dance On The Streets.

Jenn November 19, 2008 at 12:07 pm

Love is not always black and white. It’s not so easy to tell your heart to move on because the rest of you has. You’ll probably always love him, it’ll just get easier to deal with not having him in your life with time, as you probably already know. Don’t shut out those memories, though, because they are rightfully yours and they remind you of happy times and times that helped you learn and grow into the person you are now, the person loving your current man.

Christine November 19, 2008 at 7:26 pm

It IS okay.
And just think: if you never met the first who showed you love, you wouldn’t have found your current love and known what love is.

Christine´s last blog post..NoJoMo 19. My Response To BlogSecret (and More)

teality November 21, 2008 at 12:34 am

Aww… wow. Thanks for sharing this, whoever you are. I think you’re realizing more than ever that each person in our lives changes us, or influences us. Some more than others, obviously. I think you can love them both. Thanks for sharing.

teality´s last blog post..A musical game.

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