Ramble Ramble

Ok, yeah, it’s Tuesday, not Sunday. I’m a little behind the times. But luckily this group is pretty relaxed in the “schedule”, so I’m going for it anyway.

This week, we weren’t given a topic–it was a free for all to write about whatever our little hearts desired. Which is the perfect time to talk about something that’s been bugging me for, oh, ever. And that’s the idea of “good” and “bad” parenting styles. I’m probably going to meander quite a bit with this post since my feelings are all over the place, but hopefully you’ll all come along for the ride.

In some of the ControverSunday posts and comments, we’ve thrown around the idea of being on the “good” side of parenting choices, or the “bad” side. Generally, there’s an implication or explicit declaration that there are certain things that put you in the good column: breastfeeding (particularly extended), cloth diapering, delayed/no-vaxxing, babyfood making, co-sleeping, babywearing, and not-circumcising are the biggies. In the bad column we have: formula feeding, crib sleeping, vaccinating, circumcising, disposable diapering, and tv watching.To name a few.

It’s nagged at me, since the first time I saw it come up–this idea of “sides” based on choices we make for our children & families. I couldn’t put my finger on it for a while, but I think what I’ve come to is threefold:

1. If you’ve ever seen truly BAD parenting, you realize that none of the things in the bad column deserve the name. They are choices, yes, but they aren’t BAD.

The world is full of crappy parents. It’s a sad fact that you have to prove yourself more worthy of adopting a stray animal than procreating, and some people, frankly, aren’t cut out to be parents. But you know what? There are crappy parents who do all the stuff in the good column–that doesn’t make them good parents. That doesn’t make them more righteous or more caring. It makes them crappy parents who do some things that have been labeled as good. The appearance to the outside world would be of a “good” parent if someone just looked at those categories. Oh, they breastfeed and co-sleep and don’t circumcise and so obviously love and care for their child beyond reason. Never mind that they may still be crappy parents once you remove the outward show.

2. We seem to apply these labels to ourselves more than to others, adding one more layer to the parenting guilt that we all carry.

Almost all the discussions where this has come up, it has been someone labeling their own choices. “I’m normally not on the good side”, “I find it odd to be on the right side”. The more I think about this, the more I think it’s a function of our own guilt of making the “wrong” decision. I fight it all the time–are we doing right by the kid? Are we going to harm him in his development, or in some aspect of his later life by the choices we’re making now? Which research to believe? How bad of a parent am I that I’m taking the “easy” way, rather than the “right” way? But I think we do ourselves a real disservice here. Parenting is hard enough, and this kind of thinking just makes it even harder for ourselves.  I think that we could apply the sentiment that appeared in last week’s discussion here: “you’re not a parent to MY kid”. Honestly, some of our kids make these choices for us–and until we embrace our choices as being right for our kids, our families, we just add more stress and guilt to ourselves.

And finally, the one that could really get me in trouble:

3. I’ve noticed that the things in the “good” column tie mommy home wherever possible

If you really stop and look at what things have been graced with the “good” moniker, you’ll notice that they almost all add a level of difficulty, if not impossibility, for working moms. With a few exceptions, they tether mommy and child together at a more aggressive level than those in the bad column. I can’t help but wonder if this is the new way of chastising women for daring to leave the home and hearth? The implied message? The best thing for a child can’t be accomplished without Mom at home with him. The closer you get to that tether, the closer you get to the cultural “good” job. No wonder we struggle with this stuff as mothers. Because we’re all modern women, whether we are SAHM or not, who have our own identities, and the image of “good” seems like it can only be accomplished by almost abandoning any outside endeavors until the child is well past those important first years.

I call bullshit on it all. Look, I’m not advocating that we all throw our kids in front of the tv, leave them be with whatever sugary substance they can get their hands on, and go frollicking about without thinking about the impact it may have for a kid. But the idea that these choices in particular are good or bad without looking at context, family dynamics, individual children and their needs is crap. We need to start looking beyond just “this is always right” “this is always wrong” about freaking bottles or diapers or where a kid sleeps. Because at the end of the day, it’s a choice. One choice in a LONG line of choices we have to make as parents. We’re going to make mistakes, I promise we all will, but let’s not have the labels dictate what is or isn’t a mistake.

(ETA: I realize that this could, in a way, be seen as knocking the entirety of the ControverSunday themes thus far. That’s not really how I mean it–I think there are interesting things within each of these topics to discuss, particularly when you start to look at research along with individual circumstances. My main point is that vilifying ourselves over these decisions just adds to our own parenting angst needlessly.)

Check out more of the participants of ControverSunday here–they’re all smarter than me, and their posts prove it!

Our Lady of Perpetual Bread Crumbs

amoment2think

The Mothering Life

Mommy-in-Chief

Accidents will happen.

Welcome to The Essentials, a new sometimes feature here on the blog where I can show some of the products that are in my survival toolkit. To kick things off, I’m starting with my “traveling mom” edition, a list of those products I found essential as a mom traveling without my kid. This list is mostly geared toward a mom who is still nursing/pumping, but there’s one little tip at the end that will also be helpful for traveling mommies in general. Let’s get started, shall we?

1. A good pump. Of course, where else to start? I already have a heavy duty pump, since I pump for the kid while I’m at work. I personally have the Medala Pump in Style, which is  a spendy little number, but for the trip, I considered just buying a little handheld job (like this one). I knew I was going to have to pump either at airports or on the airplane, and I thought a handheld might be easier. In the end, I opted to just take my big mamajama because I was going to be pumping 6 or so times a day to keep up with how often the kid was nursing. If he had been a little older, with fewer nursings per day, I might have gone the handheld route.
2. Some pump accessories. If you bring an electric pump, and you know you’re going to have to pump while actually traveling (in the air/car/train), I would strongly suggest a battery pack if that’s an option, and some extra batteries. It was stressful enough to figure out pumping at the airport without having to worry about finding an outlet in a quiet spot. I would also suggest bringing one extra set of whatever you’ll pump into (bottles for me), and one extra set of membranes for your pump. Because if that gives out you’re going to kick yourself.
3. Storage for the breastmilk. I didn’t want to spend all this time pumping while I was gone and just dump the milk. So, I needed a way to store it while on my trip. The first part of that: milk storage bags. I use these Lansinoh Storage Bags, rather than bottles.  I’ve tried the Medala ones also, but I don’t like them as much, so I just stuck with what I normally use. Let me give you a tip though: bring more than you think you’ll need. I brought what I thought was enough, but I was wrong. Which resulted in a trip to the Times Square Toys R Us (in the rain, while I was sick) to pick up some more. Lest you not be near a Target or Babies R Us when you travel, take my tip and just bring extras.
4. Storage for the breastmilk, part 2. Of course, what to do with all that breastmilk? Ask your hotel to help out. Here’s what I did: Three days before my trip, I called to verify my reservation. When I did, I asked the nice reservation guy if there were refrigerators in the rooms that can be used for guests items. When he said no (be prepared for that–even if there are minibar fridges, most hotels don’t allow you to use them), I asked whether there was anything the hotel could recommend if I needed to refrigerate items while I was there. For an extra $25 for my entire stay, I was able to request a mini-fridge all to myself. Totally worth the money, IMO. Based on my research, that may not always be an option, but I’ve heard of hotels allowing guests to use a part of their fridges. You just have to ask. Tip here: don’t be shy about the fact that you need a place to store breastmilk. Seriously, it’s a service profession and I can GUARANTEE they’ve heard much stranger requests.
5. Lanolin (unless you’re allergic). One of the best tips I read when I first started pumping was to use lanolin EVERY time you pump. I promise you, this saved me from giving up on pumping. I personally love the Medala Tender Care, which goes on way easier than the Lansinoh stuff I had. Anyway, when you’re traveling, this is doubly important–you’re in airplanes and hotels that have lots of recirculated, dry air, which does nasty things to your skin, much less your tender bits. Seriously, every time.
6. Cell phone. Besides that whole, calling to keep in touch with the family at home, your cell phone can play a very important role in this whole thing. Load that sucker up with photos of the baby. Record his voice (either with a voice tool, or just call your voicemail and record the baby). If you have the option of video clips, do that too. These are great tools for 1)when you miss that kid more than you thought possible, 2) when your meetings are draining your will to live and 3) when you have a hard time letting down to pump. Now, that last one, I wasn’t expecting. I’ve never had a problem letting down for the pump (knock on wood), but while I was traveling? Nope, no let down. It makes sense, between the stress and the missing him and the weird environment. But those things on my phone were super helpful to help with letdown. And even my old, non-smart phone had those capabilities, so you should have a few options here, no matter the sophistication (or lack of) that your phone has.

So there you have it, my list of necessities for a traveling, nursing mom (sans baby). It takes a little more planning, a little more effort, but it’s totally possible to keep it up while away from your baby.

Oh, and I didn’t include a way to get the milk home, because I went totally ghetto and just put it in my suitcase in ziplock storage bags that were wrapped in about 5 plastic grocery bags. You know, cuz I’m fabulous that way. I just froze some of them in the freezer part of the mini-fridge the night before I traveled home so that I didn’t have to worry about ice packs or anything. Again, cuz I’m fabulous. But it worked, without having to buy anything new or worry about paying to ship the stuff home.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!

Ok, I know in my last post I said I was going to post today about the practical part of traveling without the kid, but that’s going to have to wait for a few days.

Today, I need to talk about dreams. Fulfillment. Happiness.

I’ve never been one who had some big dream about what I wanted to do with my life, professionally. I kind of fell into my career by way of I was an English major and had to figure out some way to pay the bills. Somehow I ended up in publishing. And from there, I ended up in marketing. I’ve been doing that since my senior year of college, in one form or another. I even moved to New York to further my publishing career (for anyone not aware, all but a very few of the “big” book publishers are based in NYC).

However, after a few years I realized that New York was not for me. And while I enjoyed my job, and the books I worked on, and the celebrities I got to meet, I realized that it wasn’t enough to continue living in that city. I learned about myself that no job satisfaction was worth being miserable in the REST of my life. And so, we picked up and moved across the country.

When we moved, I resigned myself to a career that wasn’t in publishing. There’s not too much in that field in San Diego, so I was prepared to take a job in marketing, and call it a day. But somehow, I ended up in one of the only publishing jobs to be found out here. And while the books I work on now aren’t as glamorous as the ones I worked on in New York, they’re still books. Being a small company, I’ve had my hands in every aspect of marketing and publicity that we do here. I run a small department, where we all do about 4 different jobs, and I run it pretty well. I’m damn good at my job, and I pride myself on that.

But I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with my professional life. I find myself envying, for the first time ever, those people I know who are freelancers or contract workers. Those people who get to set their own goals, and bust their asses for their own dreams. Those people who get to push themselves into whatever new direction their business leads them. Those people who don’t have to play the games that come with working in a big company. Those people who call their own shots.

I’ve tried offering up ways to my boss, however small, that I could get a little closer to professional fulfillment. But I keep getting shot down by the folks higher up the chain (not my boss, she’s awesome. Just restricted like me). I’ve tried creating parts of my job, however small, that make me excited and stoked to come to work in the morning. But they keep getting given to other people once I’ve made them successful. I keep trying and they keep putting up road blocks.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be one of those people who becomes a soulless entity because her job is sucking the life out of her. I want to be passionate about my job again. I want to be excited to sit down and do my work, at least some of the time. If I’m going to deal with the commute, and the people, and the being away from the baby–shouldn’t it occasionally make me fill fulfilled?

So my trip last week was the first time I’ve been away from the kid overnight.  I was super worried about both how I would do and how he would do (although honestly I was probably more worried about me). My trip called for 4 days, 3 nights away which presented, you know, some challenges.

I’m going to do a full post on the practical parts of the whole thing (pumping, time differences, setting dad up for success, etc. ), but first I want to address the emotional part of things.

Which basically boils down to this:
I stressed, it sucked, I missed him, it was fine.

So, as we all know by now, I’m a worrier and fretter. As my dear friend Katherine is happy to point out, I can create things to worry about. I don’t know why I’m like that, but there it is. So of course, when I realized way back in late November that I had to go on this trip I immediately began worrying. Part of my worry was the practical–milk supply specifically–but the bigger part was concern about being away from the baby. I mean, I miss the kid like crazy while I’m at work, and I was going to be on the whole other side of the country?

Then there were the other, crazier worries. The ones that are selfish and silly and totally insane, and yet the ones that killed me to think about the most. I was worried that the kid wouldn’t miss me. I was worried I would come back and he wouldn’t nurse anymore (hello all those easy easy  easy bottles!). I was worried that it would be one more sign of the kid not really needing me–it’s not like I’m the primary caretaker anyway, so why would he care that I was gone for 4 days, you know? It was like all my fears and worries about being a working mom amplified about a 1000%.

In all, I got myself all worked up–internally of course–and stressed and woe is me. You know how it goes. And then?

It wasn’t that big a deal.

That’s not entirely true. Look, I missed the kid like crazy. It was supremely bizarre not having him near every night. I kept hearing phantom baby sounds (no I’m not kidding. I kept thinking I heard the kid in the other part of the hotel room). I had to go to the Times Square Toys R Us at one point (more on that tomorrow), and I just kept thinking of how this thing the kid would love, and that thing would scare the crap out of him, and wouldn’t he get a kick out of all the lights!flashing!noise! So you know, it’s not like it was out of sight, out of mind.

BUT.

I was there for work, so I was busy.

I was sick, so I didn’t have a lot of energy.

I was having to think of the practical–”ok session ends in 20 minutes then I can go upstairs to my room and pump for 10 minutes, then 2 more sessions, then lunch, then I can pump and eat, shit have to check email, damn the wireless isn’t working AGAIN, crap where’d I put the power cord for the pump.” ETC.

So there ended up not being a whole lot left for the stress and worry and over-thinking the missing him. Plus, there was the bonus of the uninterrupted sleep every night. Which–given the kid’s recent sleep regression, plus my sickness, plus the exhaustion of business travel alone–was a powerful thing in the YAY column.

But what of my other, more selfish worries? Of the kid not missing me, etc, etc? Well, because of his age, I don’t think Jackson missed me too much while I was gone. I don’t think he really has an idea of “absence” quite yet. But he WAS happy to see me when I came home. He grinned like a mad man at seeing me. He was kind of clingy when I got home–but I might be imagining that because I want to, not because it’s real. He also had NO problem getting back to nursing, which was a big big fear of mine. Honestly? It was kind of like I’d never left. Which, in hindsight, was probably the perfect thing. It’ll get harder, I’m sure, as he DOES get a sense of “here” and “gone” and that’ll probably hurt more for us both, but this time? It wasn’t that bad.

It was hard to leave the kid. It was hard for me to get on a plane and fly across the country, putting almost 2500 miles between me and my not-quite-6-month-old. But I think the actual leaving was the hardest part–once I was gone, it was done and then I just had to wait to come home. To this.

Here are some sure fire ways to keep from blogging.

1. Take a business trip to a conference that has you in sessions from 8:30 – 5, 6, or 7.
2. Have such a crappy laptop that you can’t access the conference wireless network, and a company that doesn’t want you to spring for the in-room internet access.
3. Get sick the day you land in New York for said conference, and feel so crappy that sleeping after sessions or zoning out in front of the Olympics in your pajamas is all you are up for.
4. Stay sick after you get back from your business trip, prompting you to sleep late on your precious days off.
5. Have to go to LA for one of your husband’s art shows, which equates to a travel day.
6. Realize your house is filthy, and that maybe you should be a responsible grownup and clean. Said cleaning may or may not take a full day.
7. Realize the only food in the house is the applesauce you made for the baby, and a few cans of kidney beans, so a thorough trip to the grocery store is in order.
8. Be a lazy slug in the few free minutes you have left, intent on enjoying the baby you missed while travelling, the cat who was missing for 9 days (and is home now, yay!), and the husband who kept everything together while you were gone.

As always, more lists can be found over at Anna’s at abdpbt!